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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome Kevin Bridges.

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Yes, thank you, Glasgow!

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Saturday Night, Glasgow. Thank you.

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Yes, welcome. Welcome along.
The Hydro. Wow. Nice place.

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16 nights I'm doing here.

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16. Thank you, good people, for that. 16.

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One Direction only doing two.
I'm doing 16.

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I'll get Harry Styles on the phone. "All
right, Kev, any chance you can tap us a score?"

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It is DVD night. Looking well.
Everybody looking resplendent.

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Need to look your best.
Christmas Day, sitting watching it,

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pausing it, trying to find yourself.

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There's big Gordon from next door.
Who is that he's sitting beside?

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That's not Stacey. Big Gordo, the shagger.

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Well done for coming to something.
Well done. Good for you.

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It's difficult coming to something.

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I don't underestimate for a second
the challenges involved.

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It's a lot of effort.
Have to take the time

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to show our appreciation for the heroes,
the unsung heroes,

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people amongst you
who organise these nights.

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People who know when shit goes on sale.

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People who sit on Ticketmaster.

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"Page cannot be displayed."

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"Server timed out."

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The people who composed
that original group text.

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Assembling the troops. The people who dared
to dream that a night out could be possible.

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Sitting, dealing with
people's replies trickling in,

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sucking out their enthusiasm.

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"Kevin Bridges? What night is it?
Where is it? How much is it?

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What time does it start?

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What time does it finish?

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Who else is going?"

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"Who else is going?"
What a fucking snide enquiry.

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That's when the organiser's faced with the
internal politics of the social circle.

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The night out needs a big name to confirm.

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A headline act, an A-lister pal.

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A crackpot. Disco. Risor. Gnasher.

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Somebody that can turn your night out
into four nights out.

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"It's only me and Scobbie going so far.

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I know he's a wee prick, but he'll drive."

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Welcome along, front row. How are
we doing? You all right? Looking good.

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How are you doing, sir?

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You all right, mate? You can reply, mate.
It's live, it's not on the fucking telly yet.

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We're only making a DVD.
It's not actually...

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His face...

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"That 3D telly is a fucking beauty."

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Good man. What is your name, sir?

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You're not telling me?
All right, that's good.

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What's his name, mate?

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Fucking grass him in
since he's not telling me.

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- Johnny.
- Johnny?

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Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny?
It's only a comedy show, Johnny.

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You're not getting booked by the police.
It's just a wee...

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Camera right on Johnny there. That's it,
mate. You make him feel like shit for that.

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There we go, that's Johnny, everybody.

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Tell your name to the camera. Johnny.

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Good man. Welcome along. I like a night out.
I'm getting to that age. I'm growing up.

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I've got mates getting married,
and having children.

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This is new to me. My life is changing.
You don't get a night out as often.

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The weekend is no
longer an excuse in itself.

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I don't get a night out, it's rare.

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But when they happen, it's a rollover
and they go on far too long.

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I don't think anybody can party like
the newly-married man, the new father.

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I hear One Direction singing,

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♪ I'm gonna go crazy, crazy, crazy.

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Until they see the sun.

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And singing ♪ Gonna party...

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Until six in the morning.

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All these parties
that have got scheduled end times.

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That is not what happens when your mates
start getting married and having children

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and you get a night out,
they go on far too fucking long.

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People do not want to go back...

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.. to the life
that they are creating for themselves.

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Mayhem ensues at the suggestion
of a six-in-the-morning curfew.

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"Do you want to call it a night?"

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"Fuck, man, one more hour this
bar is open. We'll go and get cans."

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The adult empty, it's a bleak affair.
The empty, ten years on.

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Some paranoid wreck
walking through your living room

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looking for a Nokia charger.

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"17 missed calls?
I'd better fucking text her."

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Highlights of a game of FIFA
on the PlayStation

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that was finished about three hours ago

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still playing.

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Two guys snorting cocaine talking about
a fight they had in primary school.

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"I'm fucking glad we sorted that tonight."

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"Yeah, I know, mate. I was out of order
at that playtime. I was out of order."

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35-year-old guy
still using expressions like "playtime".

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"It was me who was out of order.

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I was the one that kept throwing
fizzy cola bottles at you.

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I knew you had to be seen
to be doing something about that, mate.

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I understand. You didn't need to call us a
wee elba. That was out of order on your part.

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It's six in the morning.
Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text.

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"I told you I was having a mad one."

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His only justification for having
a mad one, he fucking told her...

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he was having a mad one.

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Then staying on the offensive.

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"I thought you were going
to your mum's to watch Strictly anyway."

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"It's fucking
six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."

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"How the fuck am I supposed to know
what time Strictly finishes?"

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Then looking at the telly. Looking at the
PlayStation, thinking it's fucking Sky Sports.

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"When did Motherwell beat Columbia?

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That's fucking some result.

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Columbia had their full team playing, aye.

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I wish I'd stuck money on that.

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Seven red cards? Was there a
bit of needle between them two?

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♪ Six in the morning.

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It's tough watching guys
grow up against their will.

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Watching somebody going through
an old VHS case

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that's been used
as a joint-rolling station for years.

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Raking through the paraphernalia
trying to find something smokeable.

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"There's a bit of green in there.
I'll press my finger on that.

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There's plenty here, gentlemen.
The night is but young.

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Bit of green stuff.
Tobacco. Scrape that in. Hairs.

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"There's always hairs in the rolling tray.
I'll put the pubes in. Who gives a fuck?"

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Lying there in emotional purgatory

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trying to get
a knackered disposable lighter to work,

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the only lighter in the party.

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Doing big, long flicks.
"Come on, you piece of shit."

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Eventually, get a bit of blue flame.

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And going, "Yes!" And the "s"
blows it straight back out again.

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It's hard to watch a married man
lighting a pube joint off the toaster.

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Do you take drugs, Johnny?

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There's a cameraman. That's it. You
hinder his future employment prospects..

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I'm only joking. I don't take...

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I used to smoke weed, Johnny.
I got busted.

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I got caught. We were having fajitas
one Sunday as a family

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and I rolled a fucking belter.

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And it aroused far too much suspicion.

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From that day forward,
I was under surveillance.

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I was evident I had obtained
these skills elsewhere

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no doubt through illicit activity,

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as this was the first time we had ever
sampled Mexican cuisine as a family.

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I'll take the back seat
letting everybody else go first.

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They are putting together
these big abominations,

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big, baggy, reckless bastards.

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Salsa bombers going down their t-shirts.

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I'm biding my time just surveying
the devastation at the table, the mess.

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My own family,
a disgrace to the art of rolling.

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Then I stepped up, saying,
"Pass me the skins... eh, the tortillas."

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I took three tortillas out of the packet.

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There's the hash smokers in there.

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"Are you having three fajitas, Kevin?"

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"No, Gran, I'm gonna stick these together
with some guacamole.

146
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Don't worry, Gran, you'll get a pass.

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And don't hog it. I know what you're like.
And don't get it all wet at the end."

148
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Putting the grated cheese
right across my set-up there.

149
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You got a grinder...?
Don't say grinder, shut up.

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Rolled it up. Tucked it right in.

151
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Asking my gran to take off her crucifix so I
could just stuff a bit down at the end there.

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Just about stopped myself before I ripped
a bit of cardboard off the old El Paso box.

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♪ Six in the morning

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Where are you from, Johnny?

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Airdrie? Airdrie. Good to see.

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00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:02,676
He's got a wee fan club there.

157
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Quite a lot of people.
People booing Airdrie obviously.

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00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:09,058
Coatbridge? Coatbridge. Airdrie.

159
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:15,814
Anybody not from Scotland? Anybody
come from further afield than Airdrie?

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Which is a pretty
depressing question to ask.

161
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South Africa!

162
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South Africa? "All right, my lady."

163
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"My lady." I only know that... I just know
South Africa for all the wrong reasons.

164
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:31,705
The Pistorius trial,
that's all I've got for you.

165
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That was a great holiday
watching the murder trial.

166
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"Oh, my lady, I didn't know it was Reeva,
my lady."

167
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If only that had made it to South Africa.
"Duh," when somebody was talking shite.

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That's what that trial needed,
the whole jury...

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"Oh, my lady, I didn't know it was her."
Duh!

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Welcome, welcome.

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That was good.
They should have got him steaming.

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That's how you get the truth out of
any man. Get him fucking hammered.

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That is a lie detector in court. Get a few
cans in him. Let him start unwinding a bit.

174
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:31,598
Then get him on the shots,
then get him where he's lighting his fag

175
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:35,769
but he's talking that much shite, his fag
keeps going out. He's hammered.

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"All right, I'll fucking tell you what
happened. I was busting for a shite.

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And she was taking fucking ages.

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00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:50,117
I was touching cloth, my lady,
and I panicked."

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00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:59,418
South Africa. Anybody not from Scotland,
where have I got?

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Where are you from?

181
00:16:01,587 --> 00:16:03,255
Detroit? Detroit.

182
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,299
No fucking shit, man.

183
00:16:06,425 --> 00:16:09,761
- Detroit? Genuine? What is your name?
- Jennifer!

184
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:13,098
Jennifer? From Detroit. How long
have you been in Glasgow, Jennifer?

185
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,766
- A decade.
- A decade?

186
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:19,146
That's ten year in Glasgow talk.

187
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,109
Ten year, you say.
None of that "decade" shite.

188
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:27,362
You would fail your
citizenship test on that, Jennifer.

189
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:31,450
Ten year.

190
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:35,204
You don't say "years".
None of that plural pish either. Ten year.

191
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,874
You get a very honest game
of Scrabble in Glasgow.

192
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:43,337
"Years?"
He's not getting five for that. No chance.

193
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:47,966
Detroit? No fucking way, man.

194
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,135
Scotland, we are on the map.
We attract tourists.

195
00:16:50,219 --> 00:16:54,348
People give a fuck about
Scotland these days.

196
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:01,188
We got put on the map.
Especially last year.

197
00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:04,483
We had the civil war, didn't we, Scotland?

198
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:11,990
People asked... I had an American in a pub
in New York asking me about that.

199
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:15,869
About the big vote we had.
It was difficult to explain.

200
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,830
The guy is going,
"Hey, man, are you from Scotland?"

201
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:22,709
I said, "Yes."
I was gonna say "Aye" but I translated.

202
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,006
I said, yes.

203
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,676
I'd been on the Rosetta
Stone prior to the trip.

204
00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:37,140
And the guy goes, "What the fuck
happened over there, man, in Scotland?

205
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:40,602
Who would have thought Scotland
would vote against freedom?

206
00:17:40,686 --> 00:17:42,688
Like, what the fuck?"

207
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:46,191
"It was a bit more complicated than that,
pal."

208
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:52,823
And he was going, "What about
William Wallace and Robert the Bruce?

209
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,866
You guys fucking said, no?"

210
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:58,036
"Aye, we thought Asda
were gonna put their prices up."

211
00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:10,966
"We're a proud people,
pal, but I don't know

212
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:14,052
how much we're prepared to pay
for crispy pancakes."

213
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:24,521
It was a crazy time in Scotland, that
left us questioning our whole identity.

214
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:26,565
Even I'm looking at Scottish money,

215
00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:30,360
"No wonder the English
don't accept this shite. Who is that guy?"

216
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:33,739
"It's not the fucking Queen, mate."

217
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:37,701
"I know it's not the Queen, mate.
I don't know who it is. Just some guy.

218
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,955
Clydesdale Bank's employee of the month
or something.

219
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,756
Just be happy for the wee guy.

220
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,550
Picture him at a house party.
Six in the morning.

221
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:58,430
Showing his pals his note. "I'm on the note."
Rolling it up, snorting coke through it.

222
00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,515
"Look at me now, Ma, I'm a tenner."

223
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,401
We all got into it, didn't we, politics?

224
00:19:11,485 --> 00:19:15,197
We've got a whole country
that could resit higher modern studies.

225
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,240
It's good, it's an education.

226
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:22,621
Sitting on Facebook posting links to articles
you've not even read yet. That was us.

227
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,751
People threatening to leave the country.

228
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,587
Michelle Mone, she left, didn't she?
Michelle Mone.

229
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,886
Somebody needs to sit her down.
"Michelle... Mone."

230
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:46,269
Mone Michelle. Mone.

231
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,188
Mone to fuck, Michelle.

232
00:19:53,694 --> 00:19:55,654
Are you a political man, Johnny?

233
00:19:55,737 --> 00:20:00,117
Nah? You don't give a shit.
I watch it. I like the politics.

234
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,160
I've started buying the big papers.

235
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:06,248
I never knew the big papers were as
expensive. I thought it'd be the same price.

236
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:11,086
Standing in the queue at the newsagent with
my pound coin making plans for the change.

237
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:15,340
"£1.80."
"Fuck. Do you take cards, mate?"

238
00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:19,511
"Only if it's over a fiver."

239
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,348
"All right, a Daily Telegraph
and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate."

240
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:32,149
I watch it. The Tories, that's
who we've got, reducing the deficit.

241
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:36,194
The economy, that is what is going on.
Austerity Britain. Making cuts.

242
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,280
I watch 'em.

243
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:42,993
David Cameron. "We must work together
to reduce the deficit."

244
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,620
That is what is going on.
Reducing the deficit.

245
00:20:45,704 --> 00:20:48,749
I read about the deficit.
Do you know about the deficit, big guy?

246
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:52,210
Britain's debt, £1.5 trillion.

247
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:55,922
That is how much the UK owes somebody.

248
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:03,430
£1.5 trillion.

249
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:06,641
I dunno who the fuck we owe that to,
but...

250
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:10,437
Surely they've gave up on it? Surely...

251
00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:14,107
Surely when it hit the trillion mark,

252
00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:18,195
they must have been having their doubts
about ever seeing it back.

253
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,698
I've enjoyed Greece.
I like their attitude.

254
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,784
That is how you treat debt.

255
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,703
Having a great time.

256
00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:30,332
It's got to the end. Everybody
is on their case, the IMF, the EU.

257
00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:33,293
They are just telling them
to go and fuck themselves.

258
00:21:36,630 --> 00:21:38,590
Well done, Greece.

259
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:43,053
Angela Merkel on the phone
going fucking mental.

260
00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:47,682
Greece have just got her on loudspeaker,
just laughing at her.

261
00:21:57,025 --> 00:22:00,612
Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo,
letting her shout at them.

262
00:22:01,655 --> 00:22:04,282
"You must make the repayment now."

263
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:08,662
"240 billion euros."

264
00:22:14,835 --> 00:22:17,504
Going through their books
on Greek philosophy,

265
00:22:17,587 --> 00:22:19,798
trying to quote their way out of the mess.

266
00:22:21,508 --> 00:22:25,053
Angela, as Socrates says,

267
00:22:26,847 --> 00:22:30,934
"He is richest who is content with least."

268
00:22:31,852 --> 00:22:33,895
That is a fucking beauty, man. Any more?

269
00:22:41,862 --> 00:22:43,822
Or as Epicurus said,

270
00:22:43,905 --> 00:22:46,658
"Do not spoil what you have

271
00:22:46,741 --> 00:22:49,369
by desiring what you have not, Angela."

272
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:54,499
"Here, let me talk to her."

273
00:22:58,253 --> 00:23:00,213
Or as Plato says,

274
00:23:00,297 --> 00:23:02,674
"You're not getting it, you fucking cow."

275
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,602
Good on them.
Everybody knows somebody like Greece.

276
00:23:13,685 --> 00:23:15,645
I've got mates like Greece.

277
00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:20,984
They are likeable,
but you don't lend them money

278
00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:24,779
unless you're prepared to deal with
the shite when you try and get it back.

279
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:30,285
They are saying that, Johnny,
Greece actually accused Germany

280
00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:37,876
of owing Greece 279 billion euros because
of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s.

281
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:39,920
Fucking classic tactics.

282
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:44,758
"Oh, we were not gonna mention it, Angela,
but since you are chasing us up..."

283
00:23:50,805 --> 00:23:53,934
We are paying it back, £1.5 trillion,
that is the plan.

284
00:23:54,017 --> 00:23:57,604
Reduce the deficit. The deficit
means you spend too much money.

285
00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,732
Don't bring enough money in.
Tory solution, make cuts.

286
00:24:00,815 --> 00:24:04,027
I think we just need to start making
some more fucking money.

287
00:24:04,778 --> 00:24:09,032
All these billionaire psychos putting
their taxes into the Cayman Islands.

288
00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:11,201
They tell you that
as if the money is irretrievable.

289
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:14,037
Fucking invade the Cayman Islands.

290
00:24:15,789 --> 00:24:19,501
Get it back. What the fuck are
the Cayman Islands gonna do about it?

291
00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:27,217
Instead of going after disabled people
and fucking single parents.

292
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:32,514
That takes balls. That takes balls,
George Osborne, Ian Duncan Smith...

293
00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:38,311
..looking through disabled people's doors,

294
00:24:38,395 --> 00:24:40,605
"This is your fucking fault, mate, you.

295
00:24:40,689 --> 00:24:43,358
We could go after
tax-avoiding multinationals.

296
00:24:43,441 --> 00:24:47,320
We could go after Vodafone, Starbucks,
Amazon, Google, Gary Barlow,

297
00:24:47,404 --> 00:24:49,406
but it is your fucking fault.

298
00:24:50,281 --> 00:24:52,242
You."

299
00:24:57,831 --> 00:25:01,960
"You're going back to work, mate.
We don't give a fuck how disabled you are.

300
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:05,130
Oh, you're paralysed from the neck down.

301
00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:09,551
We don't give a fuck, mate. There will be
a farm out there looking for a scarecrow.

302
00:25:09,634 --> 00:25:11,636
Fucking go to the farm."

303
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:25,817
Got people checking for the offside flag
on that joke there.

304
00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:36,536
Maybe an extreme example, but that's...

305
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:43,001
That is their ideal world, cutting benefits,
and people fall for it. People believe it.

306
00:25:43,084 --> 00:25:45,045
Moaning, you see them on Facebook.

307
00:25:45,128 --> 00:25:49,090
You discover through Facebook
you hate your own fucking aunties. Aye.

308
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:53,303
Reading their shite. "I have worked...

309
00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:55,346
I have worked my whole life

310
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:58,308
and I've worked two jobs
since I've been 12 years old

311
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:02,854
and I think it's a disgrace that these
people are sitting on their fat arses...

312
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:09,736
They are spending their dole cheques
on alcohol and cigarettes.

313
00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:11,780
It's a downright disgrace.

314
00:26:11,863 --> 00:26:13,823
You're missing the point, man.

315
00:26:13,907 --> 00:26:18,536
They are spending it on alcohol
and cigarettes, highly taxable goods.

316
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,458
The country is getting it back.
These people are reinvesting.

317
00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:28,838
These people are the heroes in this mess.

318
00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:35,303
It's not poor people spending, it's fucking
rich people saving, that is the problem.

319
00:26:35,386 --> 00:26:39,641
The money is there, just need to give it
to people that will fucking spend it.

320
00:26:39,724 --> 00:26:42,727
I would put the dole up.
I would make the dole a grand a week.

321
00:26:42,811 --> 00:26:44,896
That is how you kick-start an economy.

322
00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:51,027
Every bit of it would get spent.

323
00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:56,032
You can see it on Black Friday, poor
people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week.

324
00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:59,327
The country would be fucking bouncing.

325
00:27:02,747 --> 00:27:06,751
Not one penny going offshore
or into your savings account.

326
00:27:06,835 --> 00:27:08,920
"Let's get fucking tattoos, man."

327
00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:18,638
People arriving at the job centre in taxis
to sign on.

328
00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:24,519
"Just keep your meter running, my man.
I'll be five minutes."

329
00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:30,191
"That is the dole up to a grand a week,
Denise. Do you still want your tits done?"

330
00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:38,241
"Aye, we'll get the hot tub.
Fuck it, why not?" Grand a week.

331
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,788
I've made a bit of dosh, thanks to
you people. I have fucking moved on.

332
00:27:43,872 --> 00:27:45,707
I've made some cash.

333
00:27:49,002 --> 00:27:53,506
I'm on the property ladder. That's what I
done, I bought a house off a neurologist.

334
00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:55,633
That builds an inferiority complex.

335
00:27:55,717 --> 00:27:59,012
I'm showing up to buy his gaff
in a fucking Super Dry hoodie.

336
00:27:59,095 --> 00:28:01,055
Guy is giving me the tour.

337
00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:03,808
Showing me his PhD. "That's nice, mate."

338
00:28:03,892 --> 00:28:07,979
We'll get that down and get that painting
of dogs playing poker up there.

339
00:28:11,441 --> 00:28:14,277
I grew up in a council house.
I grew up in Clydebank.

340
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:16,154
A lot of people know that.

341
00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:18,656
Famous place.

342
00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:20,742
Famous for Wet Wet Wet...

343
00:28:22,035 --> 00:28:23,995
Marti Pellow,

344
00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:27,874
He's the only guy who ever left Clydebank
to become a heroin addict.

345
00:28:35,423 --> 00:28:39,135
But I'm in the West End. I'm in
the nice bit, in the city. I'm living.

346
00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:43,348
I'm living with the great and the good.

347
00:28:43,431 --> 00:28:46,142
It's where I live.
I've been there for a few years.

348
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:48,561
But it's never quite become my bit.

349
00:28:48,645 --> 00:28:50,605
I mean...

350
00:28:50,688 --> 00:28:52,649
you've got where you stay

351
00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:54,359
and you've got your bit.

352
00:28:54,442 --> 00:28:56,402
Eh? That make sense?

353
00:28:56,486 --> 00:28:59,656
There is where you live
and there is your bit. It's not...

354
00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:01,991
I don't know if it will
ever become my bit.

355
00:29:02,075 --> 00:29:05,036
I see the kids whose bit it is.

356
00:29:05,119 --> 00:29:08,331
- I hear them shouting on each other.
- "Sebastian."

357
00:29:12,877 --> 00:29:16,005
"Sebastian, we're over here. Sebastian."

358
00:29:16,089 --> 00:29:19,717
I hear a name like Sebastian,
I'm hoping to look up and see a dalmatian.

359
00:29:19,801 --> 00:29:21,970
Not this wee fucking git.

360
00:29:24,514 --> 00:29:28,601
Sebastian making his grand entrance
with his purple blazer on.

361
00:29:28,685 --> 00:29:30,937
His perm wafting in the wind.

362
00:29:31,020 --> 00:29:33,022
A cello on his back.

363
00:29:38,278 --> 00:29:42,115
They call me "Mr Bridges,"
the kids in my street.

364
00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:44,158
I don't feel intimidated phys...

365
00:29:44,242 --> 00:29:49,539
I feel intellectually intimidated
by the gangs of youth in my street.

366
00:29:49,622 --> 00:29:53,376
"Mr Bridges, how are we?
How are we, Mr Bridges?

367
00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:57,088
The family and I sat down
to one of your performances

368
00:29:57,171 --> 00:30:00,300
on the television over the festive period,
Mr Bridges."

369
00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:02,552
"A tad coarse in places."

370
00:30:05,555 --> 00:30:10,435
"However, I would be lying if I said I
didn't allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges."

371
00:30:13,229 --> 00:30:16,357
A wee guy. I'm out of my fucking depth,
trying to talk to him!

372
00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:20,445
I'm having to raise my game
to talk to a ten-year-old.

373
00:30:22,238 --> 00:30:25,366
I can't have a normal,
older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation.

374
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:28,369
Who's the best fighter
in your school, then, Sebastian?

375
00:30:30,747 --> 00:30:34,208
"I'm the chair of the school
debating team, Mr Bridges.

376
00:30:35,251 --> 00:30:39,005
There have been a few heated exchanges,
but we've not quite come to blows... yet."

377
00:30:40,256 --> 00:30:42,383
His wee pal's beside him.

378
00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:45,136
Fucking deseeding a pomegranate
with his fruit knife.

379
00:30:54,103 --> 00:30:56,773
I still wear trainers and stuff.

380
00:30:56,856 --> 00:30:59,567
I never knew that was frowned upon,
wearing sports gear.

381
00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:02,779
Unless you're off to participate
in a sporting activity.

382
00:31:02,862 --> 00:31:05,198
I still wear shorts and trainers,
any excuse.

383
00:31:05,281 --> 00:31:08,951
I've got a neighbour who always looks
at me, always looking me up and down.

384
00:31:09,035 --> 00:31:11,204
"Off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?"

385
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:14,499
I said, "Mate, why do you always ask me
if I'm off to the gym?"

386
00:31:14,582 --> 00:31:18,169
"It was just when I seen your trainers
and sports top.

387
00:31:18,252 --> 00:31:22,507
Off to the gym, no?" No. I'm off to
the garage to buy a Wispa, mate.

388
00:31:28,721 --> 00:31:31,641
It's not a fucking black-tie event, mate.

389
00:31:35,228 --> 00:31:37,313
I try and blend in.
I'm quite a friendly guy.

390
00:31:37,397 --> 00:31:40,733
I've got a dog, for example. That's how
you get to know your new neighbours.

391
00:31:40,817 --> 00:31:43,945
You become part of your
local dogging community. I got a dog.

392
00:31:47,323 --> 00:31:48,616
That's your buddy. I got a dog.

393
00:31:48,699 --> 00:31:51,202
In the park, dogs are there.

394
00:31:51,285 --> 00:31:54,163
Other dogs come over
and start to play with your dog.

395
00:31:54,247 --> 00:31:58,668
You pat the other dog and you get talking
to the owner. Quite a sociable experience.

396
00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,962
I'm in the park, my dog's there.

397
00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:03,214
Another dog came over,
began to play with my dog,

398
00:32:03,297 --> 00:32:05,466
began sniffing my dog's arse.

399
00:32:05,550 --> 00:32:07,885
Sniffing away.
Having a fucking great time.

400
00:32:07,969 --> 00:32:11,347
I'm patting the other dog
and I says to him, "Who's this?"

401
00:32:11,431 --> 00:32:14,642
That's dog walker talk for,
"What is your dog's name?"

402
00:32:14,725 --> 00:32:17,395
That's how you strike up a bit of chat.

403
00:32:18,271 --> 00:32:19,981
I said, "Who's this?"

404
00:32:20,064 --> 00:32:23,776
And the guys goes, "This here is Diego."

405
00:32:26,863 --> 00:32:30,658
I thought, "Naming the dog
after Diego Maradona, mate.

406
00:32:30,741 --> 00:32:32,581
"That will explain the sniffing,
then, right?"

407
00:32:33,870 --> 00:32:36,914
I thought that was the ideal thing to say.

408
00:32:36,998 --> 00:32:41,085
Fucking hilarious, I've got a voice
in my head, going, "Superb, Kev."

409
00:32:47,216 --> 00:32:51,262
"An exemplary piece of patter.
This will be your bit in no time, Kev.

410
00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:56,100
I'm asking his dog for the paw of God,

411
00:32:56,184 --> 00:32:58,811
thinking this guy's
is going to spread the word.

412
00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:00,855
"Yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park.

413
00:33:00,938 --> 00:33:03,399
The guy's funny as fuck, even off duty."

414
00:33:05,693 --> 00:33:07,904
"The man's a scream."

415
00:33:09,780 --> 00:33:14,535
But the guy says, "No, the dog's not named
after Diego Maradona.

416
00:33:14,619 --> 00:33:18,080
We named him after Diego Rivera,

417
00:33:18,164 --> 00:33:23,044
the post-Impressionist,
19th-century, Mexican, protest painter."

418
00:33:25,171 --> 00:33:28,716
This was a game changer.
I had fucking nothing for the guy.

419
00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:33,888
Wow. I looked him right in the eye.

420
00:33:33,971 --> 00:33:37,683
"I cannot believe you've just done that
to me, mate. I don't know what to say.

421
00:33:37,767 --> 00:33:40,269
I've never felt so homesick."

422
00:33:40,353 --> 00:33:43,773
A voice in my head going,
"This is not your bit, Kev, go home.

423
00:33:43,856 --> 00:33:46,234
You don't belong here.
You're a fucking fraud.

424
00:33:46,984 --> 00:33:49,779
The sniffing patter,
that might cut it down your bit.

425
00:33:49,862 --> 00:33:52,490
This is the upper echelons of society.

426
00:33:52,573 --> 00:33:54,992
You think you're going to get away
with that up here?

427
00:33:55,076 --> 00:33:59,497
Even his dog is looking at your dog
as if my da just fucking clamped your da."

428
00:34:06,170 --> 00:34:08,297
And he just carried on with his day.

429
00:34:08,381 --> 00:34:12,301
And I'm left on my phone,
having to Google this arsehole.

430
00:34:14,387 --> 00:34:19,600
Under pressure. Another fucking thing
I do not know has just been exposed.

431
00:34:19,684 --> 00:34:22,770
I'm on Wikipedia reading about this guy.

432
00:34:22,853 --> 00:34:30,903
"Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for
his large wall works in the style of fresco."

433
00:34:30,987 --> 00:34:34,323
I don't know what that means.
Let's go back to the start, Kevin.

434
00:34:34,407 --> 00:34:37,118
Let's concentrate.
Learning is fun. Come on.

435
00:34:37,201 --> 00:34:41,247
This is the kind of shit you need to know
to hold conversations up in this park.

436
00:34:41,330 --> 00:34:43,291
"Diego Rivera was a Mexican...!"

437
00:34:43,374 --> 00:34:46,419
You know what a Mexican is
- tequila, sombreros...

438
00:34:47,420 --> 00:34:50,423
Remember that big fajita?
Remember that big blunt you rolled?

439
00:34:50,506 --> 00:34:52,425
Mexicans would love you, Kev.

440
00:34:53,634 --> 00:34:56,345
"Mexican painter..."
You know what a painter is.

441
00:34:56,429 --> 00:34:59,599
You're Uncle Kenny's a painter.
Remember Uncle Kenny?

442
00:34:59,682 --> 00:35:03,227
He used to always sneak you and your
cousins a can at Christmas, remember?"

443
00:35:03,311 --> 00:35:06,355
"Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise
lives in New Zealand?"

444
00:35:06,439 --> 00:35:08,983
"Drink your fucking can, son."
Remember Uncle Kenny?

445
00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:15,364
"Known for his large wall works
in the style of fresco."

446
00:35:15,448 --> 00:35:19,410
I don't know what "fresco" means?
But Fresco is highlighted in blue,

447
00:35:19,493 --> 00:35:22,830
meaning it's got its own Wikipedia page.

448
00:35:22,913 --> 00:35:26,167
Why not make an afternoon out of it?
I click on that line.

449
00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:31,797
I've not even made it through the opening
sentence of Diego Rivera's Wikipedia page

450
00:35:31,881 --> 00:35:36,761
and I'm on another Wikipedia page,
reading about fresco.

451
00:35:36,844 --> 00:35:40,139
"Fresco is a technique of mural painting

452
00:35:40,222 --> 00:35:43,267
"executed upon wet or
freshly-laid lime plaster."

453
00:35:43,351 --> 00:35:48,606
I don't know what lime plaster is,
but that is also highlighted in blue.

454
00:35:48,689 --> 00:35:53,402
"Click on that one, Kevin. Is there
anything that you do fucking know, Kev?"

455
00:35:53,486 --> 00:35:59,867
"Lime plaster is a type of plaster
composed of hydrated lime, water and sand.

456
00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:01,577
"Lime plaster is different from -"

457
00:36:01,661 --> 00:36:03,079
Why are you reading this, Kevin?

458
00:36:03,162 --> 00:36:05,414
You're supposed to be reading
about Diego Rivera.

459
00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:06,957
Remember why you came here.

460
00:36:07,041 --> 00:36:11,253
You went to fresco, now you're onto
lime plaster. You've got fucking ADD.

461
00:36:11,337 --> 00:36:15,925
I'm Googling,
"Have I got Attention Deficit Disorder?"

462
00:36:17,927 --> 00:36:24,392
I'm taking the University of Maryland's
six short questions

463
00:36:24,475 --> 00:36:28,437
to determine
if I have Attention Deficit Disorder.

464
00:36:28,521 --> 00:36:33,025
I'm about to diagnose myself
with a mental health condition

465
00:36:33,109 --> 00:36:37,238
because of this fucking phone,
this tadger and his wee shitey dog.

466
00:36:46,831 --> 00:36:48,999
Even my dog is looking at me, as if,

467
00:36:49,083 --> 00:36:51,293
"Get over it, Kev.
Hurry up and throw that tennis ball."

468
00:36:51,377 --> 00:36:55,840
Give me a minute, Annie. I'm not well.
I'm mentally ill. Please be patient.

469
00:36:55,923 --> 00:36:58,175
I need your support just now, dog.

470
00:36:59,385 --> 00:37:04,181
Taking the test. The University
of Maryland's six short questions

471
00:37:04,265 --> 00:37:07,560
to determine if I have
Attention Deficit Disorder.

472
00:37:07,643 --> 00:37:11,272
"Do you sometimes struggle
with the final parts of a project

473
00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,649
"once the challenging parts
have been finalised?

474
00:37:13,733 --> 00:37:16,068
All of the time; most
of the time; some of...

475
00:37:16,152 --> 00:37:19,405
Ten celebrities you didn't know were gay."

476
00:37:19,488 --> 00:37:22,575
Don't give in, Kevin. Don't click on it.
Don't fucking click on it.

477
00:37:24,702 --> 00:37:26,537
Don't...

478
00:37:26,620 --> 00:37:29,331
"14 reasons you're always tired."

479
00:37:29,415 --> 00:37:32,543
I'm always tired. I think I might
have that chronic fatigue syndrome.

480
00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:37,381
Fucking finish the ADD test.

481
00:37:37,465 --> 00:37:40,760
How the fuck can I finish the ADD test
if I've got ADD?

482
00:37:45,222 --> 00:37:49,393
I went back. I read about Rivera.
I got tooled up on this guy.

483
00:37:49,477 --> 00:37:52,021
Educated myself.
"Diego Rivera was born in 1886.

484
00:37:52,104 --> 00:37:54,648
Rivera began painting
at the age of three years old,

485
00:37:54,732 --> 00:37:56,392
a year after the death
of his twin brother.

486
00:37:56,442 --> 00:37:58,235
Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls.

487
00:37:58,319 --> 00:38:00,070
His parents, rather than chastising him,

488
00:38:00,154 --> 00:38:03,532
installed chalkboards and canvas
on the walls to encourage his gift.

489
00:38:03,616 --> 00:38:06,076
At the age of just ten years old,
Rivera was accepted

490
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,996
into the San Carlos Academy
of Fine Art in Mexico City,

491
00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:10,706
where he studied until 1907

492
00:38:10,790 --> 00:38:13,959
before moving to Europe, where he
became friends with Pablo Picasso."

493
00:38:14,043 --> 00:38:15,920
I've got fucking shit loads.

494
00:38:22,092 --> 00:38:26,388
Off to the gym. I've lost a bit of weight.
I don't know if anybody noticed that.

495
00:38:30,059 --> 00:38:34,355
Lost a bit. People worry about you
in this city when you lose weight.

496
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:37,149
I had a guy shout, "For fuck's sake, Kev,
have you got AIDS?"

497
00:38:41,654 --> 00:38:47,201
Which is... just a local way of saying,
"Looking sharp, Kev. You've been working it."

498
00:38:49,954 --> 00:38:52,957
I've got a jaw. Look at that.
I've never had a fucking jaw in my life.

499
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:56,418
I've always been fat. I was fat
my whole life, right through school.

500
00:38:56,502 --> 00:38:59,588
This has been a long time coming.
I was 18 stone when I was 18.

501
00:38:59,672 --> 00:39:01,799
I was fat. At school, that was tough.

502
00:39:01,882 --> 00:39:06,595
Sitting in a plastic chair at school
at the end of every class,

503
00:39:06,679 --> 00:39:09,557
knowing that there was going to be
a sea of sweat

504
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,435
that's been separating
the two hemispheres of your arse.

505
00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:18,607
Sitting beside the lassie that
you fancied, having to do that slide,

506
00:39:18,649 --> 00:39:20,484
trying to wipe it as you're getting up.

507
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:33,789
It was tough. I was fat at school.
I was the first in my class to get tits.

508
00:39:33,831 --> 00:39:35,666
It's hard.

509
00:39:39,003 --> 00:39:41,005
Going swimming on a school trip.

510
00:39:41,130 --> 00:39:43,207
"No. I'll just keep my t-shirt on.
The water's dead cold.

511
00:39:43,257 --> 00:39:45,843
I'm all right,
I'll swim with my t-shirt on."

512
00:39:46,969 --> 00:39:49,680
I went to a guy. 18,
that's when I first addressed the problem.

513
00:39:49,805 --> 00:39:51,098
18 stone. I went to the gym.

514
00:39:51,181 --> 00:39:54,101
A real gym.
You know, the big, proper gym guys.

515
00:39:54,184 --> 00:39:56,312
The real fucking big tanks.

516
00:39:56,353 --> 00:39:58,647
This new breed of man that you get.

517
00:39:58,689 --> 00:40:01,692
You know, the big mammals,
the big protein bastards.

518
00:40:04,778 --> 00:40:07,364
With the big beard, covered in tattoos.

519
00:40:07,448 --> 00:40:09,700
Did I create you in a PlayStation game?

520
00:40:12,620 --> 00:40:13,871
The big guys.

521
00:40:13,954 --> 00:40:18,042
You work in the Carphone Warehouse,
but they're training for the apocalypse.

522
00:40:21,712 --> 00:40:24,840
Convinced their best mate's
shagging their missus

523
00:40:24,882 --> 00:40:27,217
and they're training for the day
they can finally prove it.

524
00:40:30,638 --> 00:40:33,557
And that's what puts
fat people off the gym.

525
00:40:33,641 --> 00:40:37,686
These guys take it too far.
"Only God can judge me."

526
00:40:37,728 --> 00:40:41,190
I'm standing here judging you,
you big fucking bell end.

527
00:40:47,071 --> 00:40:50,532
I went to the guy and said, "Look, mate,
I'm trying to lose a bit of weight."

528
00:40:50,574 --> 00:40:53,702
The guy goes, "It's all about nutrition.
It's all about nutrition.

529
00:40:53,744 --> 00:40:56,538
Do whatever you want in here,
but it's all about nutrition."

530
00:40:56,580 --> 00:40:58,499
You can't out-train a bad diet."

531
00:40:58,582 --> 00:41:01,418
And he asked me what I had for breakfast.

532
00:41:01,502 --> 00:41:03,120
"What did you have
for breakfast this morning?"

533
00:41:03,170 --> 00:41:05,255
Instantly, I'm thinking
I'd better say something

534
00:41:05,339 --> 00:41:07,508
that I never had for
breakfast this morning.

535
00:41:08,425 --> 00:41:11,095
Make a good impression
by this big fucking mammal.

536
00:41:11,178 --> 00:41:14,431
I said, "Oh, I had fruit, mate.
A bowl of fruit.

537
00:41:14,515 --> 00:41:17,267
The guy's going,
"Fruit in the morning, that's got to go.

538
00:41:17,393 --> 00:41:20,270
Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar,
you need to lose that."

539
00:41:20,396 --> 00:41:24,400
I'm like, "Fruit, mate.
That's bad for you now, fucking fruit.

540
00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:30,280
Fruit. I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far
as you're aware I did have a bowl of fruit.

541
00:41:30,406 --> 00:41:34,118
So I should be commended. I had
a fucking Terry's Chocolate Orange, mate."

542
00:41:39,289 --> 00:41:42,960
"You've no idea how low
I would stoop for breakfast.

543
00:41:43,043 --> 00:41:47,131
Cold peshwari naan with Nutella on it.
I've been there, mate.

544
00:41:47,256 --> 00:41:49,800
And you're on my
case about fucking fruit!"

545
00:41:51,969 --> 00:41:56,223
"I used to have four raspberry ice poles
and a Wham bar for breakfast

546
00:41:56,306 --> 00:41:58,976
"at half-past eight every morning
for six years.

547
00:41:59,101 --> 00:42:01,645
And a roll on sausage at half-past ten.

548
00:42:01,770 --> 00:42:04,398
A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o'clock,

549
00:42:04,481 --> 00:42:07,651
a can of Coke and then fucking Astro Belts
on the way home.

550
00:42:07,735 --> 00:42:12,072
Fucking fizzy cola bottles, Bikers,
Johnny's Onion Rings, everything.

551
00:42:18,328 --> 00:42:23,167
Then you get home for Crispy Pancakes,
oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes.

552
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:26,795
"Yellow, mate. That was the
only colour I would eat - yellow."

553
00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:31,008
"And you're on my case about fruit."

554
00:42:34,261 --> 00:42:37,806
I never said that cos the guy would punch
fuck out of me, but I was thinking that.

555
00:42:37,848 --> 00:42:39,975
I said, "All right,
I'll cut out the fruit."

556
00:42:40,017 --> 00:42:42,519
The guy gave me a diary to fill in.

557
00:42:42,603 --> 00:42:47,274
A food diary, that's a step too far.
Submitting handwritten lies to somebody.

558
00:42:48,817 --> 00:42:50,611
He's telling me all
these foods to cut out.

559
00:42:50,694 --> 00:42:53,822
"Carbohydrates - you shouldn't
eat this shit. Eat this sort of stuff."

560
00:42:53,864 --> 00:42:57,868
I'm filling in my food diary.
On the Internet, reading about superfoods.

561
00:42:57,993 --> 00:43:02,998
Trying to impress the big man.
Monday morning, I had avocado. Avocado.

562
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:06,710
Hey, what the fuck's avocado,
in case this guy asks me?

563
00:43:07,878 --> 00:43:09,880
You have it on toast?

564
00:43:09,963 --> 00:43:12,049
He'll go off his head if I say toast.

565
00:43:17,221 --> 00:43:19,556
I'll just say I had avocado. How many?

566
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:22,017
How many? Five? Five avocado.

567
00:43:23,852 --> 00:43:26,563
Fuck it, I'll put ten. Ten avocado.

568
00:43:28,398 --> 00:43:32,236
Show the guy I'm serious about it.
Ten avocado. Monday morning - breakfast.

569
00:43:32,361 --> 00:43:36,323
Then I had almonds
and blueberries and beetroot.

570
00:43:36,406 --> 00:43:38,367
Beetroot, that's a super food, isn't it?

571
00:43:38,408 --> 00:43:41,662
A jar of beetroot, mate.
Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mm!

572
00:43:43,539 --> 00:43:45,541
Then I had quinoa.

573
00:43:45,582 --> 00:43:47,584
Quinoa.

574
00:43:47,668 --> 00:43:50,420
Am I saying that right? Quinoa?

575
00:43:50,546 --> 00:43:53,924
What the fuck is quinoa? Quinoa?
What the fuck is that?

576
00:43:54,007 --> 00:43:59,263
Click on images. It's a powder.
Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa.

577
00:44:05,602 --> 00:44:10,399
And then I had oily fish and I really
felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer's.

578
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:14,444
And the guy's gone,
"This is great. Kev. Is this the truth?"

579
00:44:14,570 --> 00:44:18,907
I said, "No, mate. The truth would break
your fucking heart. I'll tell you the truth."

580
00:44:20,409 --> 00:44:24,705
"I lasted two meals without carbohydrates
and I thought I was going fucking insane."

581
00:44:26,373 --> 00:44:29,418
"I've never felt so angry.
I had to get off the couch

582
00:44:29,459 --> 00:44:33,088
and just lie on the floor,
staring at the ceiling,

583
00:44:33,130 --> 00:44:38,760
trying to take myself to a happier place,
fantasising about carbohydrates.

584
00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:42,931
I never knew what a carbohydrate was
until you told me to cut them out.

585
00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,933
And then you grassed them all up."

586
00:44:46,476 --> 00:44:51,148
I'm lying there. "Oh, I would love
a spaghetti toastie right now.

587
00:44:52,149 --> 00:44:54,318
Mm, how good would that be?

588
00:44:54,401 --> 00:44:57,321
Or a baked potato
with rice in the middle."

589
00:44:58,739 --> 00:45:01,992
"And I could put that on a sandwich.
When was the last time I had that?"

590
00:45:02,075 --> 00:45:04,286
Piece on baked totty and rice, eh?
Mm!

591
00:45:05,329 --> 00:45:08,790
With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser.
Oh, yes."

592
00:45:10,918 --> 00:45:14,463
"Then I crumbled, mate.
I went rampaging through my own kitchen.

593
00:45:14,504 --> 00:45:19,009
In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben
and Jerry's that had been there for months.

594
00:45:19,092 --> 00:45:21,303
And because it had been there for so long,

595
00:45:21,345 --> 00:45:25,015
the little wooden spoon that you
get inside a tub of Ben and Jerry's

596
00:45:25,098 --> 00:45:28,352
had bent and snapped on impact
on the ice cream.

597
00:45:28,435 --> 00:45:32,648
So I had to put the tub of Ben and Jerry's
in the microwave. Now...

598
00:45:32,689 --> 00:45:37,361
I left it in the microwave a bit longer than
I should have done and the ice cream melted.

599
00:45:37,486 --> 00:45:42,032
So, rather than have just a few wooden
spoonfuls as I had initially intended,

600
00:45:42,157 --> 00:45:44,201
I drank the fucking lot, mate."

601
00:45:49,039 --> 00:45:52,542
I never knew how to fit that
in to Monday evening's column.

602
00:45:55,671 --> 00:45:57,214
It's too extreme.

603
00:45:57,297 --> 00:46:00,884
If you're fat, you're at a tremendous
advantage when it comes to losing weight.

604
00:46:00,968 --> 00:46:03,845
Bear that in mind. I was 18 stone at 18.

605
00:46:03,887 --> 00:46:07,516
Now I'm 28 and I'm 14 stone.
Right, that's four stone...

606
00:46:07,557 --> 00:46:09,810
I've lost.

607
00:46:11,311 --> 00:46:14,815
Thank you. To those of you applauding that

608
00:46:14,898 --> 00:46:17,401
you're applauding a man
who's lost four stone...

609
00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:19,403
in just ten years.

610
00:46:23,699 --> 00:46:26,994
Admittedly,
a pretty difficult diet to market.

611
00:46:27,828 --> 00:46:31,540
I'm not gonna get on the front
cover of Reveal with that story.

612
00:46:31,581 --> 00:46:35,419
How I shifted four
stone in just ten years.

613
00:46:37,004 --> 00:46:38,922
A before and after photograph.

614
00:46:39,006 --> 00:46:42,926
There's me with a fucking
school uniform on in the before.

615
00:46:51,059 --> 00:46:54,062
Simple. Simple changes,
that's what you need to make.

616
00:46:54,104 --> 00:46:58,692
That's what the four-stone-in-ten-years
programme encourages.

617
00:47:00,110 --> 00:47:04,698
Small steps. Don't have McCoys,
have Quavers. Simple changes.

618
00:47:06,575 --> 00:47:09,619
You don't need to go to bed
with a two-litre bottle of Fanta

619
00:47:09,703 --> 00:47:11,121
and a tube of Pringles every night.

620
00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:13,582
Small changes.

621
00:47:15,125 --> 00:47:17,461
You don't need to lose junk food.
Just Google it first.

622
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:20,297
"What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?"

623
00:47:20,422 --> 00:47:23,258
Go on. Yahoo answers.

624
00:47:23,300 --> 00:47:25,469
Ignore the top answer.

625
00:47:25,552 --> 00:47:28,597
Some nutritionist
from the University of Arkansas:

626
00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:32,976
"All Chinese food is usually fried.
There's always very large portions.

627
00:47:33,101 --> 00:47:36,313
It usually contains a chemical
called mono-sodium glutamate,

628
00:47:36,438 --> 00:47:38,056
which is highly addictive and fattening."

629
00:47:38,106 --> 00:47:40,817
Fuck all. Just keep scrolling down.

630
00:47:46,615 --> 00:47:49,910
Keep scrolling
until you find what you want to find.

631
00:47:51,995 --> 00:47:54,998
What about this guy?
"Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy,

632
00:47:55,082 --> 00:47:59,294
as long as you peel the batter
off at least three of the chicken bones."

633
00:48:06,134 --> 00:48:10,180
"If you're putting fried rice
on a prawn cracker, don't have a lid.

634
00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:13,183
Just have the one prawn cracker."

635
00:48:15,102 --> 00:48:20,941
It's these simple changes that will help
you shift four stone in just ten years.

636
00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:23,693
Then the rest comes.
Then you can exercise.

637
00:48:23,819 --> 00:48:26,863
Then you adopt a dog.
That's your exercise buddy.

638
00:48:26,947 --> 00:48:30,033
Get up the Dogs Trust.
Get a dog that's done a bit of jail time.

639
00:48:30,158 --> 00:48:32,369
Adopt a rescue dog. Get up there.

640
00:48:32,494 --> 00:48:36,498
It's like The Shawshank Redemption.
Two dogs to a cell.

641
00:48:37,874 --> 00:48:39,709
Younger dog trying to impress you.

642
00:48:39,835 --> 00:48:42,462
Older dog at the back,
playing its harmonica.

643
00:48:44,214 --> 00:48:47,342
Scraping a cup up and down the cell.

644
00:48:49,469 --> 00:48:51,680
Sneering at the younger dog.

645
00:48:51,721 --> 00:48:53,807
"You're never getting out of here, boy."

646
00:48:55,058 --> 00:48:59,646
I could wake that dog up,
having a wee dog dream, lying there.

647
00:49:10,073 --> 00:49:13,243
One hand on the belly.
We'll go on a jog to Edinburgh.

648
00:49:13,368 --> 00:49:15,745
Fuck it, let's go on a fucking jog
to Edinburgh.

649
00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:21,501
Let's jog back as well,
me and my fucking pal.

650
00:49:23,211 --> 00:49:26,256
You've got hobbies.
I took up tennis. I tried that.

651
00:49:26,381 --> 00:49:29,593
I lasted one night.
I show up at the local tennis club.

652
00:49:30,594 --> 00:49:32,596
Guy goes, "Yeah, you're on court No.4."

653
00:49:32,679 --> 00:49:34,890
"We need bats, mate."

654
00:49:37,684 --> 00:49:39,394
You don't have racquets?

655
00:49:39,436 --> 00:49:43,023
Of course we don't have racquets since
it's my first night at a new hobby.

656
00:49:43,106 --> 00:49:47,277
"I've got a bottle of Lucozade and
a fiver, mate. That's all you bring."

657
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:51,615
Everybody knows that's all you bring
at your first night at a new hobby."

658
00:49:53,742 --> 00:49:56,703
Trying to play tennis,
you end up losing the plot.

659
00:49:56,786 --> 00:50:01,708
Trying to serve, you end up just meeting
up at the net to discuss rule changes.

660
00:50:02,751 --> 00:50:06,963
"Will we just make it?"
becomes the theme of the evening.

661
00:50:07,756 --> 00:50:11,593
Will we just make it? You can serve
underarm and it can bounce anywhere.

662
00:50:15,931 --> 00:50:20,477
Instead of 15, 30, 40, we'll just
make it one-nil, two-nil, three-nil...

663
00:50:23,146 --> 00:50:25,982
And your pal starts beating you
as if he's fucking great at it.

664
00:50:26,066 --> 00:50:29,402
Starts offering you feedback.
"I've noticed you're lifting your head."

665
00:50:29,486 --> 00:50:31,613
"Fuck you!
As if you're any fucking good at it!"

666
00:50:36,076 --> 00:50:40,288
That's the sport here, innit? Tennis. Andy
Murray, he's fucking changed this place.

667
00:50:40,330 --> 00:50:42,499
Who would've thought?

668
00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:46,169
Who would've thought?
Scotland becoming a tennis country!

669
00:50:46,294 --> 00:50:49,130
Who would've thought?

670
00:50:49,172 --> 00:50:50,840
It's the working man's sport, innit?

671
00:50:50,966 --> 00:50:53,677
You walk into a rough pub in Glasgow
and there's tennis on.

672
00:50:53,802 --> 00:50:55,679
Volatile atmosphere.

673
00:50:58,431 --> 00:51:00,684
"No tennis!" signs up all over the pub.

674
00:51:02,435 --> 00:51:04,521
Guys arguing long into the night.

675
00:51:04,604 --> 00:51:06,815
"You're gonna sit there, Del, and tell me

676
00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:10,193
that Nalbandian would beat Djokovic
on a clay court!"

677
00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:13,363
Derek, you're embarrassing yourself.

678
00:51:17,117 --> 00:51:20,537
That's how stereotypes change.
Northern Ireland, they're into golf.

679
00:51:20,662 --> 00:51:22,497
Have we got any Belfast in?

680
00:51:22,539 --> 00:51:25,709
One guy there. Good man.

681
00:51:25,792 --> 00:51:27,377
Bel... Where are you from?

682
00:51:27,460 --> 00:51:29,045
Belfast? Where is he?

683
00:51:30,046 --> 00:51:31,881
You, mate. You. What's your name?

684
00:51:32,007 --> 00:51:33,550
- Ian.
- Ian? Ian.

685
00:51:33,633 --> 00:51:38,388
That's a fucking accent, innit?
They make us sound like Michael Bublé.

686
00:51:40,307 --> 00:51:43,893
There's a bomb in the biscuit tin.

687
00:51:46,021 --> 00:51:49,524
- How long have you been in Glasgow, Ian?
- Since 1985.

688
00:51:49,566 --> 00:51:55,238
Since 1985? You just got fed up with...
shite weather, religious intolerance.

689
00:51:55,363 --> 00:51:58,325
You thought, "Fuck this!
I'm off to Glasgow!" Good man.

690
00:51:58,408 --> 00:52:00,744
'85!

691
00:52:03,371 --> 00:52:05,415
1985!

692
00:52:07,042 --> 00:52:11,671
The first time I was in Belfast, the hotel
I was staying was beside an '80s bar.

693
00:52:11,755 --> 00:52:15,884
I thought that was funny.
Ian, an '80s bar - in Belfast!

694
00:52:15,925 --> 00:52:21,598
Of all the cities in the world where you
don't want to go and celebrate the '80s.

695
00:52:24,017 --> 00:52:27,395
What the fuck goes on in there?
People rubbing shite on the walls?

696
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:33,526
Petrol bombs getting chucked
across the dance floor?

697
00:52:34,569 --> 00:52:37,364
"Who gives a fuck?
Karma Chameleon's on! Yeah!"

698
00:52:40,283 --> 00:52:44,079
"I'm a man without conviction."

699
00:52:45,955 --> 00:52:49,417
No, it's changed hasn't it, Ian?
Golf, that's the sport. Tennis, Scotland.

700
00:52:49,501 --> 00:52:52,253
Golf, Northern Ireland:
Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke.

701
00:52:52,337 --> 00:52:55,507
They've ditched the guns,
bought golf clubs. Progress.

702
00:52:56,549 --> 00:53:00,011
They're still chucking the odd petrol
bomb, but they're shouting, "Fore!"

703
00:53:00,095 --> 00:53:01,930
You know, giving each other a bit of...

704
00:53:04,432 --> 00:53:07,143
A bit of support.
A bit of feedback on their game.

705
00:53:07,227 --> 00:53:10,939
What you've gotta
do there, picture the shot first.

706
00:53:11,022 --> 00:53:16,152
Get that fucking police station in your
sites there. Just stand. Shoulders straight.

707
00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:18,029
Bend your fucking knees.

708
00:53:18,113 --> 00:53:19,948
I waited for you.

709
00:53:23,952 --> 00:53:28,540
Well, I'll be fat again. Don't worry, I'll be fat.
I'll be back. I'm looking sharp, but I'll be back.

710
00:53:28,623 --> 00:53:32,335
I'm one all-inclusive holiday away from
fucking meltdown.

711
00:53:32,419 --> 00:53:34,003
Don't worry.

712
00:53:37,340 --> 00:53:39,259
I'll be back.

713
00:53:39,342 --> 00:53:41,761
Did you go on your holidays this year?
Big guy?

714
00:53:41,845 --> 00:53:43,471
- Aye.
- Aye.

715
00:53:43,555 --> 00:53:45,849
- Aye. Where did you go, sir?
- Majorca.

716
00:53:45,932 --> 00:53:48,476
Majorca.
You and the good lady, was it? Aye.

717
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:50,729
Good man. Any big holiday arguments, no?

718
00:53:50,812 --> 00:53:52,647
Aye. A few.

719
00:53:52,731 --> 00:53:54,983
Get the camera on 'em.
Let's dig some dirt here.

720
00:53:56,609 --> 00:53:59,946
That's tradition. When you go
with your missus, a big holiday bust-up.

721
00:54:00,029 --> 00:54:02,574
Big fucking 35-degree argument.

722
00:54:04,617 --> 00:54:07,996
Carrying a five-litre bottle
of water and a lilo up a hill.

723
00:54:11,416 --> 00:54:14,043
Your flip-flops keep falling back down
the fucking hill.

724
00:54:17,380 --> 00:54:18,965
Eventually, just booting them off.

725
00:54:19,048 --> 00:54:23,094
"Fucking flip-flops. The pavement's
too warm. Where's my fucking flip-flops?

726
00:54:23,178 --> 00:54:24,804
You get that one! I'll get that one!

727
00:54:24,888 --> 00:54:26,514
Five litres?!

728
00:54:26,598 --> 00:54:30,852
How many times are we gonna brush our
fucking teeth on this holiday, anyway?"

729
00:54:32,061 --> 00:54:33,688
Or a water park. That's it.

730
00:54:33,772 --> 00:54:37,984
If your relationship can survive
a water park argument, that's love.

731
00:54:39,527 --> 00:54:41,696
Sitting on a big, inflatable yellow ring.

732
00:54:41,780 --> 00:54:45,617
Trying to get the last word in
before you begin your sharp decline.

733
00:54:48,995 --> 00:54:51,998
"I'm an arsehole? Well,
who fucking paid for the holida-a-a-ay?"

734
00:55:00,548 --> 00:55:02,884
And you need to wait on
the other one coming down.

735
00:55:02,967 --> 00:55:06,095
The two of you buzzing. The
adrenaline's going. Put your ring back.

736
00:55:06,179 --> 00:55:07,555
You've cheered up,

737
00:55:07,639 --> 00:55:10,359
but you're fucked if you're letting
your face know you've cheered up.

738
00:55:13,686 --> 00:55:17,357
"I'm going to enjoy this bad mood. I've
worked hard all year for this bad mood."

739
00:55:18,566 --> 00:55:21,194
Even if something funny happens.
You've got white shorts.

740
00:55:21,277 --> 00:55:24,197
They're wet. Everybody can see
your arse cheeks and your pubes.

741
00:55:26,991 --> 00:55:29,994
It's funny, is it?
What, nobody here's seen an arse before?

742
00:55:30,078 --> 00:55:32,288
How mature? How mature?

743
00:55:35,708 --> 00:55:38,586
I never knew guys shaved their pubes.
I don't give a fuck.

744
00:55:38,670 --> 00:55:41,381
Ha-ha! Everybody laugh at me,
for fuck's sake!

745
00:55:44,676 --> 00:55:46,886
I like a bit of Spain. Any Spanish in?

746
00:55:46,970 --> 00:55:48,847
Aye!

747
00:55:48,930 --> 00:55:53,226
Aye? You, mate? You?! What part of Spain?
Fucking Shettleston?

748
00:55:55,186 --> 00:55:58,648
"Aye"?

749
00:55:58,731 --> 00:56:00,692
- What's your name, sir?
- Stevie.

750
00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:02,610
Stevie? Stevie from Spain?

751
00:56:02,694 --> 00:56:04,070
Stevie...

752
00:56:06,698 --> 00:56:10,118
Good man, Stevie. How long
have you been in Scotland, Stevie?

753
00:56:10,201 --> 00:56:13,288
Aye, we'll give up there.
We peaked at that, Stevie. Busted.

754
00:56:14,414 --> 00:56:17,000
Well, that's you on the telly now, Stevie,
Christmas Day.

755
00:56:17,083 --> 00:56:20,461
He'll rent this DVD, gets coked up
and puts that DVD on again. Fuck's sake!

756
00:56:22,672 --> 00:56:26,551
"So, he goes, like, anybody from Spain?"
I'm like, "Aye! Me!"

757
00:56:26,634 --> 00:56:30,138
"Rewind it. Watch it again. Everyone,
get in the living room! Watch this!"

758
00:56:34,434 --> 00:56:36,978
Very funny, Stevie.
Very fucking funny, buddy.

759
00:56:38,813 --> 00:56:41,274
Spain. I like Spain.
I like the cultural side.

760
00:56:41,357 --> 00:56:43,026
Siesta. I like that shit.

761
00:56:43,109 --> 00:56:45,528
You get to go for a lie
down in the afternoon.

762
00:56:45,612 --> 00:56:47,488
It's called a "siesta" in Spain.

763
00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:51,743
When you go for a lie down in the afternoon
in Scotland, it's called depression.

764
00:56:55,330 --> 00:56:59,292
People start worrying about you
if you go for a siesta in this country.

765
00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:02,670
"Is the big man all right?
Aye? Is he all right?"

766
00:57:02,754 --> 00:57:05,715
"Have you spoke to him?
Have you tried to talk to him about it?"

767
00:57:05,798 --> 00:57:07,884
"It's a lot of siestas he's going for."

768
00:57:09,093 --> 00:57:11,763
I like my siesta on holiday.
That's the best bit, innit?

769
00:57:11,846 --> 00:57:14,766
I don't go on mental holidays any more.
Don't go with my mates.

770
00:57:14,849 --> 00:57:18,102
I've got bomb scare pals that don't know
when to shut the fuck up.

771
00:57:19,145 --> 00:57:23,316
It wears thin after a few years, turning
up dodgy side streets in a foreign country.

772
00:57:23,399 --> 00:57:25,276
People try to sell you shit.

773
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,863
You've got mates that don't know when
to shut the fuck up and keep walking.

774
00:57:28,947 --> 00:57:32,408
Hookers everywhere.
"I suck your dick? I suck your dick?"

775
00:57:32,492 --> 00:57:35,328
"I'll suck your dick, hen!"

776
00:57:42,502 --> 00:57:46,255
"Well done, Barry boy. That's us
all getting shot, mate! Well done!"

777
00:57:50,259 --> 00:57:52,720
I like the bit
when you're getting fuck all done.

778
00:57:52,804 --> 00:57:55,974
The bit between six o'clock and
before you need to go out for the night.

779
00:57:56,057 --> 00:57:59,435
You've done the pool during the day.
You're in. That's it. The siesta.

780
00:57:59,519 --> 00:58:02,689
Lying on the sofa bed in the apartment
with prickly heat.

781
00:58:05,108 --> 00:58:07,193
Watching The Simpsons in Spanish.

782
00:58:08,987 --> 00:58:11,030
Eating the local crisps.

783
00:58:11,114 --> 00:58:14,450
Listening to how much of a fucking
fruitcake Homer sounds in Spanish.

784
00:58:32,468 --> 00:58:37,515
"I'll go in the shower in a minute. I think
Homer's gonna slit somebody's throat here."

785
00:58:38,975 --> 00:58:41,853
They're nice, their crisps.
Here, get some of their crisps.

786
00:58:41,936 --> 00:58:44,939
Ruffles "jamon" flavour.

787
00:58:52,113 --> 00:58:53,740
I went on a cultural break.

788
00:58:53,823 --> 00:58:57,827
Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff.
You get dragged round tourist attractions.

789
00:58:57,910 --> 00:59:00,705
A lot more pressure on yourself
to actually go and do shit.

790
00:59:00,788 --> 00:59:03,291
Looking at stuff,
knowing you should be enjoying it.

791
00:59:03,374 --> 00:59:07,253
Statue Of Liberty. "Wow! That's exactly
how I fucking thought it would look."

792
00:59:09,172 --> 00:59:10,798
Having to take your photograph.

793
00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:15,136
You don't realise how much shite you
photograph until you go somewhere good.

794
00:59:15,219 --> 00:59:17,055
Or your phone runs out of memory.

795
00:59:18,097 --> 00:59:21,559
Standing on top of the Empire
State Building, deleting fry-ups.

796
00:59:28,357 --> 00:59:32,445
I've got an app called What'sApp.
Right, all the kids have got it.

797
00:59:32,528 --> 00:59:34,614
People send you...

798
00:59:34,697 --> 00:59:39,869
People send you pictures and videos
and it just saves straight to your phone.

799
00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:41,954
It's horrific shit people send.

800
00:59:42,830 --> 00:59:47,877
And I never knew I had a video of
a guy fucking a hoover on my phone...

801
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:52,465
..until I was showing my mother
my holiday photographs.

802
00:59:55,301 --> 00:59:58,054
I'm flicking through them,
giving my wee commentary.

803
00:59:58,137 --> 01:00:01,099
"That was us on the first night.
That's a view from the hotel, Mum.

804
01:00:01,182 --> 01:00:04,143
That was a wee Italian restaurant.
That's where Harry met Sally.

805
01:00:04,227 --> 01:00:07,939
The pastrami sandwich was nae very nice.
That's a guy... Cracking holiday, Mum.

806
01:00:08,022 --> 01:00:09,941
I'd definitely recommend..."

807
01:00:10,024 --> 01:00:11,651
Of course you watch it.

808
01:00:11,734 --> 01:00:14,153
If a guy has took the
time to fuck a hoover,

809
01:00:14,237 --> 01:00:16,823
I will take the time
to watch a guy fuck a hoover.

810
01:00:18,574 --> 01:00:20,660
Lying, watching it.

811
01:00:20,743 --> 01:00:23,538
Have you ever seen
your own reflection on your phone?

812
01:00:23,621 --> 01:00:26,124
You see how tragic you look
at these moments.

813
01:00:27,166 --> 01:00:29,043
Lying on your couch. Big double chin.

814
01:00:29,127 --> 01:00:30,837
Fucking dead behind the eyes.

815
01:00:32,338 --> 01:00:36,384
Your life is ending
just watching a guy fuck a hoover.

816
01:00:37,593 --> 01:00:40,763
Is that a Henry or a Henrietta
he's fucked now?

817
01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:48,312
And you need to reply to your mate
that sent it.

818
01:00:51,023 --> 01:00:53,192
H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A. H-A.

819
01:00:53,276 --> 01:00:57,196
And then the emoticons. There's that
wee guy that fucking cries with laughter.

820
01:00:58,239 --> 01:01:03,744
15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of
laughter are leaving my eyes, mate.

821
01:01:03,828 --> 01:01:06,122
There we go. Ha-ha-ha!

822
01:01:08,124 --> 01:01:11,419
I was at New York,
getting dragged into museums.

823
01:01:11,502 --> 01:01:13,546
Trying so hard to enjoy it.

824
01:01:13,629 --> 01:01:17,967
There's that voice in there going,
"Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

825
01:01:20,094 --> 01:01:23,472
Trying so hard. "It's not shite, Kevin.
Show some respect."

826
01:01:23,556 --> 01:01:26,058
"It's fucking shite.
It's an art gallery full of shite.

827
01:01:26,142 --> 01:01:28,477
"Shite. Shite. Shite.
Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

828
01:01:29,395 --> 01:01:33,232
Listening to the tour guide. "This is 300
years old. This was donated to the museum."

829
01:01:33,316 --> 01:01:35,234
I thought, "Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite."

830
01:01:36,819 --> 01:01:40,823
"And you're fortunate the Tutankhamun
exhibit is here for six weeks only."

831
01:01:40,907 --> 01:01:43,034
Trust me to land that fucking six weeks,
eh?

832
01:01:43,117 --> 01:01:47,330
How shite will that be?
Tutankhamun, the King of Egypt at 21.

833
01:01:47,413 --> 01:01:50,750
I bet he was a wee wank. Shite.
Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite. Shite.

834
01:01:50,833 --> 01:01:53,961
Come on, Kevin, you're better than this.
Let's see a show of strength.

835
01:01:54,045 --> 01:01:56,631
"Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?"

836
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:07,266
"You don't know who he is?"
You've found a victim, Kev.

837
01:02:07,350 --> 01:02:09,644
All that hard work.
Give him it. Both barrels.

838
01:02:09,727 --> 01:02:11,395
"Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate?

839
01:02:11,479 --> 01:02:14,398
Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon
In The Alameda?

840
01:02:14,482 --> 01:02:18,444
Arguably one of Rivera's
most controversial works, my man.

841
01:02:18,527 --> 01:02:20,279
Why was it controversial?

842
01:02:20,363 --> 01:02:23,407
Well,
because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramírez

843
01:02:23,491 --> 01:02:26,494
holding a placard that said,
"God does not exist."

844
01:02:26,577 --> 01:02:32,208
The work caused uproar, but Rivera refused
to remove the placard until nine years later,

845
01:02:32,291 --> 01:02:36,337
stating that he doesn't have to hide
behind Don Ignatio Ramírez

846
01:02:36,420 --> 01:02:38,047
to show his own atheist views

847
01:02:38,130 --> 01:02:42,260
and that he believes all religions
are a form of collective neurosis."

848
01:02:42,343 --> 01:02:45,263
"You don't know this shit?"

849
01:02:45,346 --> 01:02:49,183
Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop.

850
01:02:49,267 --> 01:02:51,310
Buy a rubber and fuck off.

851
01:02:58,276 --> 01:02:59,944
I travel. I travel a lot.

852
01:03:00,027 --> 01:03:03,114
I appreciate my life. Travel.
Stay in a lot of hotels.

853
01:03:03,197 --> 01:03:06,951
They've always got bad news for you,
I notice, in hotels.

854
01:03:07,034 --> 01:03:12,748
"Unfortunately, sir, the Wi-Fi is
only available in the lobby area."

855
01:03:12,832 --> 01:03:16,085
"Well, is it all right
to masturbate in the lobby area?"

856
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:24,468
That's what I say to them.

857
01:03:24,552 --> 01:03:28,014
Call them out on it. "I might use
your Wi-Fi and your lobby, then, mate.

858
01:03:28,097 --> 01:03:31,684
The websites I visit, that is between me
and my browsing cookies.

859
01:03:34,020 --> 01:03:38,691
Your manager can deal with the inevitable
negative reviews on TripAdvisor."

860
01:03:42,069 --> 01:03:44,071
Some stunned couple.

861
01:03:44,155 --> 01:03:48,034
"Don't get me wrong. The rooms
were spacious. The location was great.

862
01:03:48,117 --> 01:03:51,454
The staff were a delight. Could
not fault the food or the facilities.

863
01:03:51,537 --> 01:03:56,500
But, on the final night, there was a Scottish
bloke ripping the head off it in the lobby.

864
01:04:01,339 --> 01:04:04,467
It was bloody disgusting.
Nothing subtle about it.

865
01:04:04,550 --> 01:04:07,970
He had his denims at his ankles.
His feet on the coffee table.

866
01:04:09,889 --> 01:04:12,266
He was using both his hands at one point.

867
01:04:14,226 --> 01:04:16,520
He was shouting encouragement to himself.

868
01:04:18,856 --> 01:04:23,027
He then demanded housekeeping
bring him a hoover. It was rather bizarre.

869
01:04:27,073 --> 01:04:29,283
Two stars. We won't be back. Two stars."

870
01:04:31,660 --> 01:04:35,039
The Wi-Fi is fucking killing this world,
innit? The Internet?

871
01:04:35,122 --> 01:04:37,750
I'm trying to cut loose.
I'm trying to cut...

872
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:40,127
I'm trying to stay off it.
Driving me fucking nuts.

873
01:04:40,211 --> 01:04:43,714
I like technology. I appreciate what
the geeks have done for this world.

874
01:04:43,798 --> 01:04:46,717
I just don't like the person that I become
as soon as it fails.

875
01:04:46,801 --> 01:04:50,846
As soon as it stops working, it sends
me fucking into a big, angry primate.

876
01:04:50,930 --> 01:04:54,100
I've had too many of these rages.
I'm quite a peaceful guy.

877
01:04:54,183 --> 01:04:58,187
Fucking laptop stopped searching
for wireless networks a few weeks ago.

878
01:04:58,270 --> 01:05:02,108
That sounds trivial, but that's enough to
send me into a... "Fucking piece of shit!"

879
01:05:02,191 --> 01:05:06,195
Fucking shouting at it, cos I'm so
out of my depth trying to figure out...

880
01:05:06,278 --> 01:05:09,115
Your laptop breaks.
You've got two options, Johnny.

881
01:05:09,198 --> 01:05:11,242
You can hand it to where you bought it,

882
01:05:11,325 --> 01:05:13,869
or you can phone up
the technical support line.

883
01:05:13,953 --> 01:05:15,704
What option would you choose, Johnny?

884
01:05:17,873 --> 01:05:19,834
In your own time, Johnny.

885
01:05:21,877 --> 01:05:24,630
Well, I phoned up, Johnny.
You could hand it in.

886
01:05:24,713 --> 01:05:26,340
That's part of my problem.

887
01:05:26,424 --> 01:05:32,221
I'm not wanting to hand this computer into
the Apple Store to speak to Marc with a C.

888
01:05:32,304 --> 01:05:34,223
With his "Wee genius" T-shirt on.

889
01:05:35,975 --> 01:05:38,769
Talking about his band.
"Yeah, we're called Skull Fracture.

890
01:05:38,853 --> 01:05:43,732
We're playing the unsigned tent at T in the
Park." His big, stupid earlobes hanging down.

891
01:05:43,816 --> 01:05:48,279
Go on and put your ear rings back in, Marc.
Stop putting people off calamari for life.

892
01:05:48,362 --> 01:05:50,239
Fucking disgusting.

893
01:05:53,451 --> 01:05:55,077
I decided to phone up.

894
01:05:55,161 --> 01:05:58,205
The laptop was no longer searching
for wireless networks.

895
01:05:58,289 --> 01:06:00,875
People are calling it
a First World problem.

896
01:06:00,958 --> 01:06:05,087
That just makes you angrier.
I fucking know it's a First World problem!

897
01:06:05,171 --> 01:06:09,175
That's why I'm on the phone to the Third
World, trying to get it fucking fixed.

898
01:06:11,218 --> 01:06:13,012
- Woo!
- I phoned up.

899
01:06:13,095 --> 01:06:15,681
I'm on the phone. Indonesia.

900
01:06:15,764 --> 01:06:18,017
Talking to my man. My man Gavin.

901
01:06:18,100 --> 01:06:20,186
He starts asking me questions.

902
01:06:21,228 --> 01:06:22,813
I'm telling Gav the issue.

903
01:06:22,897 --> 01:06:28,819
Gav's asking me for my DHCP client ID. I
said, "I don't know what that means, Gav."

904
01:06:28,903 --> 01:06:32,698
Gav told me to click on System
Preferences. Then go to Network Settings.

905
01:06:32,781 --> 01:06:34,575
And then Advanced Network Settings.

906
01:06:34,658 --> 01:06:37,411
He said, in there,
you should see an IPV and phone number.

907
01:06:37,495 --> 01:06:40,122
From that, you should be able to see
your DHCP client ID.

908
01:06:40,206 --> 01:06:43,209
I'm fucking getting excited here.
Gav's onto something.

909
01:06:44,210 --> 01:06:47,421
I said, "Yes, Gav.
I can see a DHCP client ID."

910
01:06:47,505 --> 01:06:52,259
And he's asking me if
it's configurated or deconfigurated.

911
01:06:52,343 --> 01:06:55,095
I said, "Well, Gav,
it appears to be deconfigurated."

912
01:06:55,179 --> 01:06:57,515
Gav tells me to click on.
I'm already there, Gav.

913
01:06:57,598 --> 01:06:59,517
Clicked on Configurated. Done deal.

914
01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:03,145
And he goes, "Try again."
I'm so fucking excited, Gav, to try again.

915
01:07:03,229 --> 01:07:06,232
I tried again and the laptop connected to
the wireless network.

916
01:07:06,315 --> 01:07:08,108
I thanked Gav for his time.

917
01:07:08,192 --> 01:07:10,528
Then I'm left wondering...
My mind is blown.

918
01:07:10,611 --> 01:07:12,655
Who the fuck undone that?

919
01:07:12,738 --> 01:07:14,573
Like...?

920
01:07:18,410 --> 01:07:21,914
I have never been anywhere near
that part of the computer before.

921
01:07:23,415 --> 01:07:26,919
So what the fuck happened
between connecting to wireless networks

922
01:07:27,002 --> 01:07:28,796
and not connecting?

923
01:07:28,879 --> 01:07:32,508
Did that have an MIT frat party
in the living room one night?

924
01:07:33,551 --> 01:07:36,971
Did that have Mark Zuckerberg
and the boys round for a couple of cans?

925
01:07:37,054 --> 01:07:38,889
It's got a bit out of hand.

926
01:07:38,973 --> 01:07:41,475
I fell asleep at six in the morning.

927
01:07:41,559 --> 01:07:47,481
And, rather than just shave off my eyebrows,
or draw a cock and balls on my face,

928
01:07:47,565 --> 01:07:50,401
some prankster has logged into my laptop

929
01:07:50,484 --> 01:07:54,530
and fucking deconfigurated
my DHCP client ID.

930
01:08:02,705 --> 01:08:05,916
We are raising kids in this world...

931
01:08:06,000 --> 01:08:09,753
I'm only 28. I still remember
the world being a bit simpler.

932
01:08:09,837 --> 01:08:12,506
It's tragic when you
hear the children going,

933
01:08:12,590 --> 01:08:18,596
"Dad! Dad! Dad, this iPod's not performing
the software update! Dad!"

934
01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:22,891
And if I ever become a father,
I don't know if I could handle that.

935
01:08:22,975 --> 01:08:26,061
I think I'll be saying,
"Shut the fuck up, you wee tool!

936
01:08:28,647 --> 01:08:32,359
Performing a software update?
You're a wee guy. Go up to the loft.

937
01:08:32,443 --> 01:08:37,072
Find a golf club. Go outside
and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside!

938
01:08:39,617 --> 01:08:42,286
Outside! Go out there!

939
01:08:44,955 --> 01:08:47,458
Go and chop some jaggies.
You're a wee guy!

940
01:08:47,541 --> 01:08:50,044
You've your whole life
to perform software updates.

941
01:08:50,127 --> 01:08:53,380
Go out there and be bored.
Decapitate a few dandelions.

942
01:08:53,464 --> 01:08:55,090
Get in the bushes!"

943
01:08:55,132 --> 01:08:57,343
"I've just been stung by a nettle!"

944
01:08:57,426 --> 01:08:59,845
"Well, get a fucking dock leaf, then.

945
01:09:03,098 --> 01:09:05,184
Learn some survival tactics.

946
01:09:06,935 --> 01:09:10,814
How about a big walk? Just kick
a plastic bottle down the street.

947
01:09:12,358 --> 01:09:14,026
Be at one with your thoughts.

948
01:09:15,110 --> 01:09:16,779
Get a big stick.

949
01:09:17,488 --> 01:09:19,490
Get a bit of dog shite on the end.

950
01:09:21,283 --> 01:09:25,663
Patrol your bit! Fucking armed
with a bit of dog shite on a stick.

951
01:09:28,332 --> 01:09:30,125
It's a rite of passage to any child.

952
01:09:30,167 --> 01:09:33,295
Sitting up in your bedroom,
getting cyber bullied.

953
01:09:33,379 --> 01:09:36,006
Fucking go to his door
with a bit of dog shite on a stick."

954
01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:48,519
We need to be bored.
Our minds are too occupied.

955
01:09:48,644 --> 01:09:52,064
I used to be bored as a child.
I was quite a creative wee guy.

956
01:09:52,147 --> 01:09:56,151
I was that fucking... I tried to start
a boy band. I had mental ideas.

957
01:09:56,985 --> 01:09:59,530
In my jotter, "Element Four."
That's what I called us.

958
01:09:59,655 --> 01:10:02,032
I had three mates who I gave aliases to.

959
01:10:02,157 --> 01:10:04,493
Air, Fire, Rain, Wind.

960
01:10:04,535 --> 01:10:08,330
I told them about my plans.
They laughed at me. Called me, "Gay boy!"

961
01:10:08,414 --> 01:10:11,375
I thought, "Fuck youse!"
I went solo. Big Wind.

962
01:10:17,673 --> 01:10:19,842
Going down to the kitchen,
grabbing the radio.

963
01:10:19,883 --> 01:10:21,760
Up to the bedroom. Blank cassette in.

964
01:10:21,844 --> 01:10:23,429
Pressing...

965
01:10:23,512 --> 01:10:25,556
Pressing play and record at the same time.

966
01:10:27,433 --> 01:10:30,018
With my lyrics that I'd wrote.
Big Wind in the studio.

967
01:10:30,853 --> 01:10:33,397
♪ Baby, I've been thinking

968
01:10:33,522 --> 01:10:35,274
♪ About you

969
01:10:36,692 --> 01:10:39,361
♪ I think you're thinking about me too

970
01:10:39,445 --> 01:10:42,781
Making sure my Dad's not there,
in case I get fucking leathered.

971
01:10:45,534 --> 01:10:47,453
♪ When you said goodbye

972
01:10:47,536 --> 01:10:50,706
♪ It made me cry, baby-y-y-y

973
01:10:50,748 --> 01:10:54,626
Doing the voice that long, your eyes
start to water. Really adds a bit to it.

974
01:10:54,710 --> 01:10:56,378
♪ Baby-y-y-y-y

975
01:10:57,421 --> 01:11:00,382
Cos I was fucking bored.
I enjoyed childhood.

976
01:11:00,466 --> 01:11:03,469
Going out on a big walk.
Just showing up at your mate's door.

977
01:11:03,552 --> 01:11:05,596
Going in for your mate.
Going in for somebody.

978
01:11:05,721 --> 01:11:08,098
Just battering their letterbox,
unannounced.

979
01:11:12,895 --> 01:11:15,314
"All right, Mrs Cassidy. Is Stu in?

980
01:11:16,482 --> 01:11:18,776
I'm here to eat every
crisp in this house."

981
01:11:24,740 --> 01:11:26,492
"His name's Stuart, Kevin."

982
01:11:26,575 --> 01:11:28,327
"Where is he? Stoobster!"

983
01:11:31,163 --> 01:11:35,083
That's when you discovered
the love you had for your own family.

984
01:11:35,125 --> 01:11:38,086
I see the wee dweebs go,
"I actually hate my mum and dad."

985
01:11:38,128 --> 01:11:40,130
Fucking get out the house, then!

986
01:11:40,255 --> 01:11:41,924
A sleepover.

987
01:11:42,007 --> 01:11:46,011
That's when you discovered
how much you loved your own mum and dad.

988
01:11:47,179 --> 01:11:50,599
When you went an spent an evening
in another family.

989
01:11:50,641 --> 01:11:52,935
That was an eye-opener. We need that.

990
01:11:53,018 --> 01:11:56,480
The kids are too busy online
and they're socialising to this level.

991
01:11:56,605 --> 01:11:58,982
You need to go and spend time
in another house.

992
01:11:59,817 --> 01:12:01,610
Discover. You've got it good.

993
01:12:01,693 --> 01:12:06,490
That Saturday morning, returning home to
your own house, after a sleepover.

994
01:12:06,615 --> 01:12:08,617
Just want to cuddle your mum and dad.

995
01:12:09,785 --> 01:12:11,995
As if you've just served in Afghanistan.

996
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:16,875
"Mum, come here.
Dad, bring it in, big guy!

997
01:12:16,959 --> 01:12:18,961
I know I don't tell you a lot,
but I love you.

998
01:12:19,044 --> 01:12:22,047
The Cassidys are fucking weirdoes."

999
01:12:27,970 --> 01:12:30,806
Cos it would start off all right.
You'd go in for Stu.

1000
01:12:30,848 --> 01:12:33,475
And you're up in the bedroom,
playing the computer.

1001
01:12:33,559 --> 01:12:37,646
He's making you use an unofficial control
pad that his gran bought him for Christmas.

1002
01:12:37,729 --> 01:12:40,315
You're letting it slide,
even though it's frustrating.

1003
01:12:40,399 --> 01:12:44,152
You're through on goal, trying to shoot.
"Where's the square button, Stu? Stu?"

1004
01:12:44,194 --> 01:12:46,822
"It's not square, it's No.9 on that pad."

1005
01:12:46,864 --> 01:12:49,241
"Fucking piece of shit!
Fuck you, Stu! Fuck you!"

1006
01:12:50,325 --> 01:12:52,077
And his mum comes into the bedroom.

1007
01:12:52,160 --> 01:12:55,873
"Kevin, we're gonna phone a Chinese.
Would you like to stay for some Chinese?"

1008
01:12:55,998 --> 01:12:58,417
Fucking jackpot! "Of course.

1009
01:12:59,543 --> 01:13:02,087
Of course I'll stay for some Chinese."

1010
01:13:02,170 --> 01:13:04,172
You start to relax. I like this family.

1011
01:13:04,214 --> 01:13:07,050
I reckon I could be a Cassidy.
Everything's going to plan.

1012
01:13:08,093 --> 01:13:09,845
Friday night, home delivery.

1013
01:13:10,721 --> 01:13:12,681
Then you get shouted down the stairs.

1014
01:13:12,723 --> 01:13:16,018
Made to set the table. They're
setting the table for a home delivery.

1015
01:13:16,101 --> 01:13:18,520
Again, letting it slide.
This is the Cassidys'.

1016
01:13:18,604 --> 01:13:23,191
It's not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe
they set their table for a home delivery.

1017
01:13:24,234 --> 01:13:26,236
Then the food arrives.

1018
01:13:26,361 --> 01:13:29,865
You don't recognise one fucking thing
that they've ordered.

1019
01:13:30,616 --> 01:13:33,702
Not once was I consulted
during the ordering process.

1020
01:13:33,744 --> 01:13:35,537
I know I'm ten.

1021
01:13:35,621 --> 01:13:39,458
I know I'm a guest, but ordering
a home delivery is a democratic process.

1022
01:13:39,541 --> 01:13:43,045
But again, letting it slide.
The dad's shown you the food.

1023
01:13:43,086 --> 01:13:46,715
"OK, Kevin, this is the king scallop,
Sichuan-style.

1024
01:13:46,757 --> 01:13:50,135
This is the Kung Pao lamb.
This is the sweet and chilli bean curd."

1025
01:13:50,218 --> 01:13:53,305
"This is nae Chinese food, Mr Cassidy.
Where's all the yellow shit?

1026
01:13:53,388 --> 01:13:57,476
Where's all the chicken balls?
Chips? Curry sauce?

1027
01:13:58,977 --> 01:14:02,898
You'd get fucking laughed out of China
for that shite, Mr Cassidy."

1028
01:14:06,944 --> 01:14:11,657
Then he starts saying grace. The dad,
thanking the Lord for a home delivery!

1029
01:14:11,740 --> 01:14:14,618
Just fucking tip the delivery driver.
Job done.

1030
01:14:17,913 --> 01:14:20,415
You're trying to plate
yourself up some food.

1031
01:14:20,457 --> 01:14:23,669
You're going, "Mr Cassidy,
where's the rice?"

1032
01:14:23,752 --> 01:14:27,422
"Oh, just give us a few minutes on
the rice, Kevin. It shouldn't be long."

1033
01:14:27,506 --> 01:14:31,134
"Oh, they never sent the rice?
I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy."

1034
01:14:31,259 --> 01:14:33,762
"Oh, no, no, no.
Sheila's just boiling the rice."

1035
01:14:36,098 --> 01:14:38,767
"Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?"

1036
01:14:41,269 --> 01:14:45,107
"No, Kevin, they never sent anything.
We don't order rice from the Chinese.

1037
01:14:45,190 --> 01:14:50,445
Why would we pay £2 for rice when there's
a whole jar of rice on the worktop there?

1038
01:14:50,487 --> 01:14:52,447
That would just be stupid, wouldn't it?"

1039
01:14:52,531 --> 01:14:55,784
Alarm bells are ringing.
We're having fucking house rice!

1040
01:15:04,334 --> 01:15:07,838
With a home delivery? On a Friday night?
We're having it with house rice?

1041
01:15:10,173 --> 01:15:12,134
The evening's took a sinister turn.

1042
01:15:12,217 --> 01:15:14,803
Glaring across the table at wee Stu.

1043
01:15:14,886 --> 01:15:16,972
I'm gonna fucking expose you!

1044
01:15:19,182 --> 01:15:22,144
This is going to finish you, Stu,
in school on Monday.

1045
01:15:22,227 --> 01:15:24,646
This will be your nickname for eternity.

1046
01:15:24,688 --> 01:15:26,231
It'll be House Rice.

1047
01:15:26,314 --> 01:15:28,734
Even if you're driving a Ferrari.

1048
01:15:28,817 --> 01:15:30,652
"Oh, he's driving a Ferrari, is he?"

1049
01:15:30,736 --> 01:15:32,320
"Who?" "House Rice!"

1050
01:15:37,284 --> 01:15:39,703
Finished the food. Seen the family.

1051
01:15:39,786 --> 01:15:41,955
I don't know if I could be a Cassidy.

1052
01:15:43,206 --> 01:15:44,916
Then you get made to wash the dishes.

1053
01:15:45,000 --> 01:15:47,002
"Kevin, why don't you
make a little game of it?

1054
01:15:47,085 --> 01:15:48,962
Stuart can wash them. You can dry them."

1055
01:15:49,046 --> 01:15:51,339
Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy.

1056
01:15:52,507 --> 01:15:55,552
Non-stop scream in this house
on a Friday night.

1057
01:15:57,512 --> 01:16:01,349
Maybe we can change ends at half-time,
or is that a bit too out there?

1058
01:16:02,684 --> 01:16:05,979
Then the gran arrives.
You get dragged into the living room.

1059
01:16:06,063 --> 01:16:08,774
"Yeah, we always watch a movie together
as a family, Kevin.

1060
01:16:08,857 --> 01:16:11,318
It's just our little Friday night thing.
Coming in?

1061
01:16:11,401 --> 01:16:14,863
We're going to watch The Hand That Rocks
The Cradle. Have you seen it, Kevin?"

1062
01:16:14,946 --> 01:16:18,742
No, Mrs Cassidy but I heard
it's fantastic, heard it's hilarious.

1063
01:16:19,284 --> 01:16:21,119
Having to sit watching this.

1064
01:16:21,203 --> 01:16:23,747
How the fuck do I get out of here?
I need to get home.

1065
01:16:24,331 --> 01:16:26,708
I need home, home. I'm homesick.

1066
01:16:26,792 --> 01:16:29,544
I'm only four streets away.
I'm fucking homesick.

1067
01:16:30,879 --> 01:16:34,007
"Kevin, just phone your dad
and see if you can stay overnight.

1068
01:16:34,091 --> 01:16:36,426
That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover."

1069
01:16:37,344 --> 01:16:41,515
Imagine that, Kev.
The overnight package with these freaks.

1070
01:16:44,184 --> 01:16:45,685
"Kevin, phone your dad."

1071
01:16:45,769 --> 01:16:49,022
This is before mobile phones.
You had to use the living room phone.

1072
01:16:49,106 --> 01:16:53,360
The whole family is sitting there.
"Phone your dad, Kevin, phone your dad."

1073
01:16:54,152 --> 01:16:58,240
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle's been
paused, they're all listening in.

1074
01:16:59,908 --> 01:17:01,034
"Ask if you can stay."

1075
01:17:01,118 --> 01:17:04,955
You're on the phone to your dad,
solely dependent on your tone

1076
01:17:05,038 --> 01:17:09,543
to get across to your dad
that you're being held against your will.

1077
01:17:15,257 --> 01:17:18,009
This is going to take an
acting performance, Kev.

1078
01:17:18,093 --> 01:17:20,554
This is nae a family, this is a cult.

1079
01:17:22,347 --> 01:17:24,432
"Phone your dad, Kevin."

1080
01:17:25,475 --> 01:17:27,269
Trying to get a bit of
a lump in the throat.

1081
01:17:27,352 --> 01:17:29,855
Hoping my dad hears I'm crying,
comes and rescues me.

1082
01:17:29,938 --> 01:17:34,484
"Where are you, Kevin? I'll come and fucking
do them. Where are you, where are you?"

1083
01:17:34,568 --> 01:17:36,528
It's ringing, it's ringing.

1084
01:17:39,865 --> 01:17:41,950
Hi, Dad? Dad.

1085
01:17:43,076 --> 01:17:46,872
Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight
at Stuart Cassidy's house?

1086
01:17:47,664 --> 01:17:49,958
"Of course it is, Kevin,
you have a great night."

1087
01:17:50,041 --> 01:17:52,210
Your dad's no fucking getting it at all.

1088
01:17:54,379 --> 01:17:57,507
Dad, are you sure I've got no plans
in the morning? I thought I had.

1089
01:17:57,591 --> 01:17:59,509
You know, I had something on.

1090
01:17:59,593 --> 01:18:01,428
"Nothing on in the morning, Kevin.

1091
01:18:01,511 --> 01:18:05,015
It's Saturday and you're fucking
ten years old, pal. No plans."

1092
01:18:09,978 --> 01:18:13,815
That was that, you'd signed up.
You were one of them for the evening.

1093
01:18:14,316 --> 01:18:16,151
"Kevin, un-pause the movie."

1094
01:18:16,234 --> 01:18:18,904
I think it's you that's
got the doofer, Mr Cassidy.

1095
01:18:19,654 --> 01:18:21,865
"It's me that's got the what? The doofer?

1096
01:18:21,948 --> 01:18:24,910
Is that what you call the remote control,
the doofer?"

1097
01:18:24,993 --> 01:18:26,411
He's fucking laughing.

1098
01:18:26,494 --> 01:18:29,014
The ma's laughing, the whole family,
wee House Rice is laughing.

1099
01:18:29,206 --> 01:18:34,002
They're all laughing at you. They're ripping
the piss out of you, Kev. "The doofer!"

1100
01:18:34,294 --> 01:18:36,504
Fucking hook the dad, Kev, hook the dad.

1101
01:18:39,466 --> 01:18:41,968
Take the whole family out.
One jab to the dad.

1102
01:18:43,345 --> 01:18:46,014
No family recovers from a jab to the dad.

1103
01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:49,100
"The doofer!" Fucking knock him out, Kev.

1104
01:18:52,145 --> 01:18:54,439
I'm nudging wee Stu.
Want to go up to the bedroom.

1105
01:18:54,522 --> 01:18:56,900
Want to go up, House Rice,
want to go to bed.

1106
01:18:58,735 --> 01:19:01,988
The dad catches you. "You trying
to get Stuart to go to bed with you?

1107
01:19:02,072 --> 01:19:04,491
Is there something you're not telling us?"

1108
01:19:05,242 --> 01:19:07,953
You're on thin ice, Mr Cassidy,
you old bastard.

1109
01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:15,752
Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House
Rice just goes to sleep straightaway.

1110
01:19:16,378 --> 01:19:20,840
You're left alone, on his floorboards,
inside a Scooby Doo sleeping bag.

1111
01:19:22,550 --> 01:19:26,221
You haven't even got a pillow,
you've got a cushion off the couch,

1112
01:19:26,763 --> 01:19:29,557
with the zip on your neck, haven't you?
Turn it...

1113
01:19:31,059 --> 01:19:34,479
Alone, breathing in their family smell,
their house smell.

1114
01:19:35,814 --> 01:19:38,984
The whole family smell the same.
I recognise that smell.

1115
01:19:39,067 --> 01:19:42,153
That's the way he smells
when I sit beside him in school.

1116
01:19:42,237 --> 01:19:45,532
I wonder if he stunk out the house
or the house stunk him out.

1117
01:19:45,615 --> 01:19:47,701
Wonder what came first.

1118
01:19:48,201 --> 01:19:52,205
Listening to these noises. How fucking
loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice?

1119
01:19:52,289 --> 01:19:55,041
Ticking away ever second. It is torture.

1120
01:19:55,375 --> 01:19:58,378
I need out of here.
I wonder what time I can leave here.

1121
01:19:58,712 --> 01:20:01,214
Do you think five in the
morning's a bit early?

1122
01:20:02,382 --> 01:20:04,843
That's the target, Kev,
five in the morning.

1123
01:20:05,593 --> 01:20:10,307
Anybody catches you trying to leave - "Are
you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?"

1124
01:20:10,390 --> 01:20:13,852
Wonder what you get for breakfast
in this shit-hole, wonder.

1125
01:20:14,185 --> 01:20:18,023
"What would you like for your breakfast,
Kevin?" Maybe some eggy bread.

1126
01:20:18,106 --> 01:20:20,525
"Eggy bread,
is that what you call French toast?"

1127
01:20:20,608 --> 01:20:22,652
All that shite starts again.

1128
01:20:23,737 --> 01:20:26,197
All the fucking House
Rices laughing at you.

1129
01:20:27,991 --> 01:20:31,286
"You're not going to stay, Kevin?
We're having Alpen. Do you like Alpen?"

1130
01:20:31,369 --> 01:20:36,583
Yes, Mrs Cassidy, I love nothing better on
a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen.

1131
01:20:36,666 --> 01:20:38,918
That's what gets me through the week. Mm!

1132
01:20:40,045 --> 01:20:42,922
Get something in that frying pan,
you fucking boot.

1133
01:20:47,886 --> 01:20:51,181
Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow,
thank you for listening.

1134
01:20:51,264 --> 01:20:54,851
Been a pleasure talking to you. Top crowd.

1135
01:20:55,143 --> 01:20:58,104
Take care of yourselves. Thank you.
Good night.

1136
01:20:58,188 --> 01:21:01,149
Cheers. Thank you.

1137
01:21:02,901 --> 01:21:05,028
Thank you.

1138
01:21:09,574 --> 01:21:10,909
Cheers to you, mate.

1139
01:21:12,702 --> 01:21:15,580
Cheers to Johnny. Thank you.
Good night, take care.

1140
01:21:31,221 --> 01:21:33,306
Get back.

1141
01:21:35,141 --> 01:21:39,062
Get fucking back. It's become a hostage
situation, there at the back.

1142
01:21:40,814 --> 01:21:44,275
Get back. Back.
You at the door, back, back, back, back.

1143
01:21:44,359 --> 01:21:48,446
This is it. You're supposed to leave
that bit much longer when you go off stage

1144
01:21:48,530 --> 01:21:51,408
but there's a big flight of stairs there
and I just...

1145
01:21:53,410 --> 01:21:56,663
What's the point? You go all the way down,
you go all the way back up.

1146
01:21:56,746 --> 01:21:58,790
So, I'm back. Nice crowd, man.

1147
01:21:58,873 --> 01:22:00,959
You all right? Yes.

1148
01:22:02,419 --> 01:22:06,423
Can you get what? A selfie.
I'm kind of busy the noo, hen, but yes.

1149
01:22:12,637 --> 01:22:14,722
There you go. There you go.

1150
01:22:20,854 --> 01:22:23,314
Top crowd. What a venue, man.

1151
01:22:23,398 --> 01:22:26,276
Wow, I'd love to be a priest up here.

1152
01:22:27,777 --> 01:22:31,281
♪ A... A... men

1153
01:22:35,452 --> 01:22:37,537
♪ Our Lord the Saviour

1154
01:22:39,873 --> 01:22:46,296
♪ Pray for our souls. A... Amen

1155
01:22:47,297 --> 01:22:50,508
Bit of religion in Glasgow, eh?
How could this backfire?

1156
01:22:54,345 --> 01:22:56,431
♪ Amen

1157
01:22:56,973 --> 01:22:58,600
Believe in the Lord, Johnny?

1158
01:22:58,683 --> 01:23:01,102
Yes, you do. Good, good. Good man.

1159
01:23:01,352 --> 01:23:04,022
I don't, man. I don't know.
I grew up a Catholic.

1160
01:23:04,105 --> 01:23:06,399
Don't really give a fuck these days,
maybe.

1161
01:23:07,609 --> 01:23:10,361
Maybe go to chapel Christmas Day,
Easter Sunday.

1162
01:23:10,445 --> 01:23:13,323
One of them Catholics that go
to the big games. I mean...

1163
01:23:16,367 --> 01:23:20,038
I'm no' going to go to the league matches
but I'll go to the cup final.

1164
01:23:21,623 --> 01:23:23,958
Back to the old priest,
talking about Jesus.

1165
01:23:24,042 --> 01:23:25,877
♪ When he comes back, when he comes back

1166
01:23:25,960 --> 01:23:28,421
♪ The second coming
of the Lord, Jesus Christ

1167
01:23:29,339 --> 01:23:33,343
Coming back? How fucking long
have we given the guy, man? 2015!

1168
01:23:34,594 --> 01:23:37,055
I think it's fair to say
Jesus has fucked off, innit?

1169
01:23:38,932 --> 01:23:41,017
He's found new pals, he's ditched us.

1170
01:23:41,976 --> 01:23:44,854
The millennium, that was a
turning point for a lot of people.

1171
01:23:44,938 --> 01:23:47,774
Jesus never showed up at his own 2,000th.

1172
01:23:50,527 --> 01:23:53,863
That's not your 40th or your 21st,
that's the 2,000th.

1173
01:23:56,449 --> 01:23:59,577
I picture the guy, Jesus,
what he'd be like in his Second Coming.

1174
01:23:59,661 --> 01:24:01,704
Imagine the ego on that guy.

1175
01:24:01,788 --> 01:24:05,208
Arguing with night-club bouncers.
Do you know who my dad is?

1176
01:24:08,002 --> 01:24:11,881
Don't care who your dad is, pal,
you're no' getting in with sandals on.

1177
01:24:19,222 --> 01:24:22,016
Bringing religion into football,
that backfired.

1178
01:24:22,100 --> 01:24:23,718
Why don't you bring
religion into football?

1179
01:24:23,768 --> 01:24:25,637
That'll bring people
back to their place of worship.

1180
01:24:25,687 --> 01:24:27,438
Get the tunes a bit better.

1181
01:24:27,522 --> 01:24:29,274
♪ Give him a loaf, give him a fish

1182
01:24:29,357 --> 01:24:32,485
♪ Jesus of Nazareth, he'll serve up a dish

1183
01:24:37,448 --> 01:24:39,534
Jesus!

1184
01:24:40,493 --> 01:24:43,162
Ah, the Yank asked me
about the Old Firm before.

1185
01:24:43,246 --> 01:24:46,499
People exaggerate it a wee bit.
Danny Dyer, all those guys.

1186
01:24:46,583 --> 01:24:49,627
An American, he's gone,
"Man, is it fucking true, man,

1187
01:24:49,711 --> 01:24:53,506
that if you walk into the wrong
fucking bar in Glasgow on soccer day..."

1188
01:24:53,590 --> 01:24:57,093
Soccer day! Don't laugh at the guy.
Sorry, Duane, continue.

1189
01:24:59,345 --> 01:25:02,640
He goes, "I heard this one story, man,
this guy had the wrong T-shirt on

1190
01:25:02,724 --> 01:25:06,394
and the other team's fans walked over
and they didn't beat the shit out of him.

1191
01:25:06,477 --> 01:25:11,065
Instead, they fucking grabbed him by the
ears and sucked on one of his eyeballs...

1192
01:25:12,025 --> 01:25:14,360
It was like some disrespect,
some tribal shit.

1193
01:25:14,444 --> 01:25:16,946
That fucking go on, man,
over a soccer match?"

1194
01:25:17,030 --> 01:25:19,449
It would fucking break
my heart to deny that.

1195
01:25:22,243 --> 01:25:26,456
I said, yes, Duane, sadly. I have seen
many a match marred by such incidents.

1196
01:25:27,624 --> 01:25:31,502
An Old Firm game, the whole stadium
sitting with fucking monocles in.

1197
01:25:37,133 --> 01:25:38,676
Did they get you, as well, Kenny?

1198
01:25:38,760 --> 01:25:42,347
I couldnae believe it, mate.
Never drinking there again, man.

1199
01:25:44,140 --> 01:25:46,976
Oh, he's got contact lenses,
the Fenian bastard!

1200
01:25:54,275 --> 01:25:58,571
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it genuinely
means a lot to see so many people.

1201
01:25:58,655 --> 01:26:02,241
16 nights, very humbling.
Thank you, good people, for that.

1202
01:26:02,325 --> 01:26:04,410
I'd just like to...

1203
01:26:04,911 --> 01:26:07,705
Thank you. Yes.

1204
01:26:11,959 --> 01:26:17,423
I done my... I done my first-ever show
when I'd just left school, 17.

1205
01:26:17,507 --> 01:26:21,344
My dad was there. My mum and dad are here.
It's their 40th wedding anniversary.

1206
01:26:21,427 --> 01:26:24,013
So, lots of love to them.
Thanks for everything.

1207
01:26:25,014 --> 01:26:27,058
Thank you, Andy. Thanks very much.

1208
01:26:27,141 --> 01:26:30,269
Good night, Glasgow, take care. Thank you!

1209
01:26:30,353 --> 01:26:31,479
Cheers.

1210
01:26:37,694 --> 01:26:39,779
Thank you, good night, cheers.